Sunday, February 12, 2006

Troy and Tracy Predict the Razzies

Troy and I had so much fun predicting the Oscars, we decided to do the Razzies, too. Here goes:

Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, House of Wax, Dukes of Hazzard, Son of the Mask, Dirty Love

TRACY: Wow, I haven't even heard of Dirty Love. I heard there were a few amusing moments in both the Dukes of Hazzard and Bewitched, and House of Wax has Paris Hilton's gruesome screen death going for it. I liked Jamie Kennedy a lot in the Scream movies and in The Jamie Kennedy Experiment. So, based solely on my faith in Rob Schneider's acting abilities, I'll have to go with Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo here.

TROY: You didn’t miss much by not seeing Dirty Love. As much fun as a root canal. Um, I actually don't think House of Wax deserves to be here. It's not great, but it's a fun little horror movie with great gore and impressive melting wax. Plus Paris Hilton dies a gruesome, gruesome death. Can’t go wrong there. If they needed a horror movie for this category, The Fog was a much better choice--Worst Movie of the year. The Dukes of Hazzard was so unfunny, I contemplated gouging out my eye with my Twizzlers at the theater. However, some of the car scenes were fun. Son of the Mask is a kids movie, so whatever. I think Jenny McCarthy is really funny, but her movie was just terrible. However, I have to go with Deuce Bigalow: Electric Boogaloo or whatever. Is it possible for a movie to both suck and blow?

Tom Cruise (War of the Worlds), Will Ferrell (Kicking & Screaming), Jamie Kennedy (Son of the Mask), The Rock (Doom), Rob Schneider (Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo)

TRACY: See, I think Tom Cruise could have won Most Annoying Actor. Or Biggest Pompous Windbag of an Actor. But I wouldn't say he's the WORST actor. I liked him a lot in Jerry Maguire. Again, I'll go with Rob Schneider, based on his past body of work. At least the Rock and Jamie Kennedy are likeable, and Will Ferrell can be wicked funny when he wants to be.

TROY: Agreed. Also I didn’t think War of the Worlds was as bad as touted. Deuce Bigalow is the Freddy Got Fingered of 2005. Start working on the speech Rob!

Jessica Alba (Into the Blue and Fantastic Four), Hillary Duff (The Perfect Man and Cheaper By the Dozen 2), Jennifer Lopez (Monster-in-Law), Jenny McCarthy (Dirty Love), Tara Reid (Alone in the Dark)

TRACY: Wow, Jessica Alba almost clinched it for me for her performance as Nearly Naked Girl in Into the Blue, a film which I actually did see (and interestingly enough, almost enjoyed!). But because she was undoubtedly higher than a kite during filming, I'll have to say Tara Reid. Oh, Tara, how we miss the coked up train wreck that was Taradise. We were laughing at you, not with you.

TROY: Tara just likes to have a few cocktails! Honest! While I DESPISE Jessica Alba, I actually didn’t mind Into the Blue. Plus she had Sin City on her side. J.LO was horrifying in Monster-in-Law, with her squeeky high-pitched voice and faux girl next door act, but she’ll win next year for that debacle with Marc Anthony. I just can't find it in my heart to vote for Jenny, although she was awful. My vote also goes to Taradise, only because I hope she shows up to the awards, PLASTERED and coked out of her mind like normal.

Hayden Christensen (Star Wars 3: Revenge of the Sith), Alan Cumming (Son of the Mask), Bob Hoskins (Son of the Mask), Eugene Levy (The Man and Cheaper by the Dozen 2), Burt Reynolds (The Longest Yard and The Dukes of Hazzard)

TRACY: OK, putting my boy Hayden Christensen on here is just wrong. Yes, I do have a strange, Mrs Robinson-esque thing for him, but I thought he did a lot better in Sith than in Clones. Plus, after seeing his stellar performances in Shattered Glass and Life as a House, I honestly think his whiny turn in Clones was due to poor direction from George Lucas, who managed to make the talented Natalie Portman jack up Padme, too. I think I'll go with Alan Cumming here, because he's skeezy.

TROY: The Man was released? Ha. Who knew? However I have to disagree with you. Although I really like him, I vote Hayden. I think he's a good actor, but his performances in Star Wars Episodes 2 and 3 were disasters. There was a total lack of chemistry between him and Natalie Portman. The whining! That Darth Vader "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" (the worst line of the century). However, if either of the Son of the Mask actors wins, that's cool too. Remember when there use to be good kids movies?

TRACY: See, it's not HAYDEN'S fault that he had the worst line of the century at the end of Sith. That, dear brother, would be GEORGE, who WROTE that stupid, stupid line and didn't have the sense to cut it when he was working on the film's final edit. So. No more picking on Hayden. He's a good actor who was done in by poor direction. And he's hot.

Carmen Electra (Dirty Love), Paris Hilton (House of Wax), Katie Holmes (Batman Begins), Ashlee Simpson (Undiscovered), Jessica Simpson (The Dukes of Hazzard)

TRACY: See, Paris died in House of Wax, which I think redeems any flaws in her performance (NOT that I think she should die in real life. The girl just wants to have fun.) We EXPECT nothing but mediocrity from Carmen Electra and the Sisters Simpson. So my pick is Katie Holmes, who did a figurative face plant in Batman Begins, single-handedly almost ruining a kickass film with her insipid and unconvincing performance. And I don't say that lightly, because I adored her in Pieces of April and really thought she was going places. Katie, what the heck? Is someone brainwashing the talent right out of you, too?

TROY: There's something wrong when CARMEN ELECTRA is the best actress of the bunch. Paris was fine in House of Wax because she played herself and I actually thought Jessucka was the best part of the Dukes (a scary thought indeed). I have to give it to Katie Holmes for almost massacring one of my favorite movies of the year with her one-note, unconvincing performance. Upon discovering Batman’s identity? "Bruuuuuuuuuuce." I loved her in Pieces of April, The Ice Storm, and Go, but she was way out of her league here. Michelle Williams has her beat now. Who’d a thunk it?

Tom Cruise's Anti-Psychiatry Rant; Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Oprah's Couch, the Eiffel Tower, and "Tom's Baby"; Paris Hilton and ... WhoEVER!, Mr & Mrs. Britney, their Baby, and their Camcorder; The Simpsons: Ashllee, Jessica, & Nick

TRACY: Wow, that's a close one between Tom's rant and Tom, Etc. I think I'll have to go with Tom Etc., because witnessing the brainwashing of Katie Holmes on Oprah's couch, the Eiffel Tower, and throughout her alleged pregnancy has been sad and strange.

TROY: I'm actually enjoying the Tom Cruise meltdown. It gives good fodder for snark. Plus is this Katie “pregnancy” real? I am curious to see how it turns out. I am sick of Jessucka and Ashlee, but whatever. I think it was Brit and Popozao that have annoyed me the most. Whether they're discussing their sex lives ad nauseum, endangering their child by driving SPF on their laps, or going to parties stoned out of their mind, Brit and Popozao deserve an award for dirtbags of the year.

Will Ferrell and Nicole Kidman (Bewitched), Jamie Kennedy and ANYBODY Stuck Sharing the Screen with Him (Son of the Mask), Jenny McCarthy and ANYONE Dumb Enough to Befriend or Date Her (Dirty Love), Rob Schneider and His Diapers (Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo), Jessica Simpson and Her Daisy Dukes (Dukes of Hazzard)

TRACY: Poor Jenny McCarthy--that's just mean. Because of my nostalgia over Daisy Dukes, I'll give Jessica a bye. Rob is definitely a contender, but I'll have to say Will Ferrell and Nicole Kidman because ... yuck. Just yuck.

TROY: How the mighty have fallen Miss McCarthy. She used to be someone! Rob Schneider is just gross. I can’t stand Jessica and I think Will Ferrell and Nicole Kidman are badly cast, but it’s the European Gigolo that needs to just go away.

Bewitched, Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, Dukes of Hazzard, House of Wax, Son of the Mask


TROY: I thought the premise to Bewitched was creative, but Nicole Kidman is AN ICE QUEEN, not the girl (witch) next door. I have to vote for Son of the Mask because I really liked the original. It was one of my favorite movies as a kid and they destroy it with a PG, watered down, BABY as the Mask plot.

John Asher (Dirty Love), Uwe Boll (Alone in the Dark), Jay Chandrasekhar (Dukes of Hazzard), Nora Ephron (Bewitched), and Lawrence Gutterman (Son of the Mask)

TRACY: Based solely on the fact that his very name is becoming a joke in pop culture circles, I'll go with Uwe Boll. I could never turn on Nora Ephron. She wrote the brilliant When Harry Met Sally! OK, that has nothing to do with how well she can direct a film, but I refuse to believe that she's as bad as Uwe Boll. Nora Ephron would never cast a washed-up coke whore in one of her films.

TROY: Uwe wins hands down. Bloodrayne and the past House of the Dead further cement his label as the "modern Ed Wood." Plus he has ubersuckfest Leelee Sobieski in his next movie. Anyone giving that girl work needs to be recognized as crap.

Bewitched, Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, Dirty Love, Dukes of Hazzard, Son of the Mask

TRACY: Based on its reputed amount of toilet humor, I'll go with Deuce.

TROY: Dirty Love was SO BAD, but I can’t pick Jenny. Again for ruining a potentially cool story opportunity, watering it down, and having an overall high suck quota, Son of the Mask is my pick.

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Tracy Montoya writes romantic suspense for Harlequin Intrigue.

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