TRACY: It’s time for another AI recap, and once again, I am beginning with …
A Most Vehement Protest Against the Misguided Addition of Kreepy Kara to the Judges’ Table.
TRACY: You know, dawg, I have my suspicions that the real Randy Jackson died years ago, and what we have at the Idol judges’ table is a clever humanoid, who will one day peel back his synthetic skin (MOOO-WAAHHHHHH!) to reveal a Terminator-esque adamantium skull underneath, complete with a malfunctioning chip that only allows him to speak variations on ten key sentences.
I told my husband on Disco Night that I feel like my head is going to explode every time he tells someone that they “can sing.” Given that this is a SINGING COMPETITION, isn’t this a wee bit obvious?!?! Seriously?!?! Maybe he could change it up once, and go, “You can really tap dance, man!” At least it would make those of us at home sit up on our couches and stop drooling.
TROY: Wouldn't it be more fun to turn Randy's commentary into a drinking game? Have a sip every time the word "dawg" is mentioned, a shot when he starts off with "you know, for ME...." and just down the whole bottle whenever a song is just "a'ight"
TRACY: And don't forget "pitchy," after which everyone should flip upside-down and have someone stick a bong in their mouth attached to a kegger--mainly as a coping mechanism.
Even though he is the most redundant human being on the face of the planet, he has enough of a benign friendliness about him that I didn’t used to mind his pull-the-string-on-my-back-and-I’ll-say-one-of-five-fun-phrases! shtick. But having Kreepy Kara basically repeat whatever repetitive chestnut he utters (now with buggy, Squeaky Fromme eyes!) is seriously endangering the health of my television set. Why? Because I involuntarily start throwing things at it whenever that horrible woman opens her mouth. Her voice … every word is like someone is driving a nail into my forehead, and I want it to stop. Make it stop, Cecile Frot-Coutaz. I’m begging you.
(Troy, I think you should change your last name to Frot-Coutaz, btw. Just for fun.)
TROY: (Business cards are already being printed up with that change. :) )
TROY: And Kara and her lockjaw can go (which...it sounds like the producers are already trying to set in motion). Here's hoping for some Carrie-style humiliation in the finale episode.
TRACY: Anyway, first up in the “you can sing” department is LIL ROUNDS, who I have no doubt can sing a decent shower medley. She can sing a lovely church hymn or rock out nicely in her car. Even in a karaoke bar, I have no doubt that Lil could hold her own and--you guessed it--sing. But on the Idol stage? Zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Lunesta Fairy Award for the season, right here. She looks cuter and cuter every time she comes out, even though I kinda miss her adorable short hair, but having fun taste in rock star clothes SO does not make one a rock star.
TROY: Lil still an aversion to picking a good song. Do you think she would have been better with "Don't Leave Me This Way?"
TRACY: Maybe, but even that fabulous song didn't do any favors for past Lunesta Fairies Ramiele Malubay and LaToya London any favors.
TROY: Tangent: WTF was up with that disco medley on the results show? Thelma Houston sounded great (although I bet the audience below totally saw her lady parts), but Freda Payne and KC Casey were total messes.
Both reminded me of that "Baby One More Time" reality show where they carted out bands and singers from the past to attempt to relive their glory days, only everyone aged about 30 years, gained 50 lbs. and lost their voices. Sad.
TRACY: I KNOW! It was totally sad, except for Thelma. Although like Paula a couple of weeks ago, her breasts must've been screaming in that dress.
TROY: Anyway....back to Lil. Boring. Safe. Expected. Blah. Don't you feel that we can just copy/paste the past week's commentary of her.
TRACY: And then … there's the backtalking. To be fair, Ryan totally baits her now (Aren’t you disappointed in their critique, Lil? Do you think what they said is fair, Lil? Really, what do you want to say to them in response, Lil?), but she should still have the self-control to not spout off like a messy two-year old every time someone rightfully tells her she delivers copycat, somnambulant performances. To quote the late, great Chris Farley,
Lil. … SHUT YOUR BIG YAPPER!!!!!!!
TROY: I almost felt bad for Lil (almost!) because she looked so sad when Simon was criticizing her. Then the spouting off at the mouth started, and you KNOW how I feel about that. Alexis Grace was booted for THIS?
TRACY: I know. I am tired of hearing her messy commentary, Troy (Frot-Coutaz). I'm so glad she was unceremoniously booted at the beginning of the results show.
TROY: Kara would get 10 cool points from me if she infused some Tyra-isms into her comments:
"I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU! WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU! LEARRRNNN SOMETHING!"
Or maybe we could just get Tyra to sit-in instead of Kara.
TRACY: I LOVE that idea almost as much as I loved the idea of adding a coked-up Whitney Houston last year!
TROY: Tyra is a world famous pop start after all. I present to you:
Exhibit A) Tyra's performance as a doll come to life in the Disney Channel original "Life-Size" (costarring Lindsay Lohan).
Exhibit B) Tyra's failed venture into the music with the single "Shake Ya Body."
TRACY: So KRIS ALLEN ventured into Allison Iraheta and Jason Castro territory with his pre-song interview. Who knew that the song “She Works Hard for the Money” was so desperately in need of Cliffs Notes?
“It’s about a woman. … And she works hard. … For the money.
THANK YOU! For 26 years, that song has been a Sphinxian conundrum, and I am so relived that someone finally had enough intellectual fortitude and keen insight to decipher that Rosetta Stone of the late disco era for the unwashed masses. Praise the heavens!
Idiot analysis aside, once he started singing, I thought Kris finally had his moment (and without telling us that this was going to be his moment, too). I never really liked that song, but I loved his arrangement with the white-hot fiery passion of a thousand suns. Bongos all around!
TROY: Did you download the studio version? It's pretty great! I don't know if it was quite his moment (the song felt a bit hokey for me)...
TRACY: (Um, hello, disco!)
TROY: ... but he was probably the strongest of the night. Loved that he (Randy-ism alert!) made the song his own instead of attempting to do disco straight-on (see: the epic fail that was Josh Gracin, Season Two, with "Celebration").
TRACY: Ow. You HAD to bring that up....
Anyway, Paula was (gasp) spot-on in saying that it had a Santana-type feel to it. Original, cool, and very fun. And he also made his 12-year-old wife tear up, which was kinda sweet.
TROY: She's looking less and less Playboy each week too! Poor thing, she knows this marriage is doomed now.
TRACY: “September” is, by a light year, my three-year-old daughter Marin’s favorite song on the planet ever in the history of ever. (Nauseating cuteness warning: She actually calls it “Bah-dee-ow,” as in “Can you play 'Bah-dee-ow' now?) So I will leave it to her to critique DANNY FREAKING GOKEY. Here’s how her analysis went down Tuesday night:
Ryan announces before the commercial that someone is going to do Earth, Wind, and Fire.
TRACY: Marin! You love Earth, Wind, and Fire!
MARIN: I love Earth, Wind, and Fire!
We wait patiently for the commercial to end. Marin dances to a few of the catchier jingles.
Ryan announces after the commercial that Danny Gokey will be singing “September.”
TRACY (with marginally less enthusiasm): Marin, he’s going to sing your favorite song.
MARIN (hearing the brass intro): Mommy! It’s “Bah-dee-OW!”
Marin excitedly starts wiggling her little hips back and forth.
DANNY: Do you remember…? The 21st night of September…?
Marin abruptly stops dancing and glares at the television with all the wrath a three-year-old can muster.
MARIN (basso profundo): Mommy. That’s not “Bah-dee-ow.”
TRACY: Yes, it is. … I think.
MARIN: No, it’s not. That’s a mess.
Marin abruptly flounces out of the room, and nothing can convince her to come back until Allison starts singing.
I think that says it all, don’t you?
TRACY: Once again, I’m glad Simon is finally showing ALLISON IRAHETA some retroactive love, but I wasn’t off my head about her version of “Hot Stuff.” I actually liked the beginning (which Randy-squared didn’t), but then it just wavered into constipated slurring for me. (For you, for me….) I closed my eyes at one point and just listened, and I realized I REALLY would not want to be hearing that on the radio.
But I hope Simon’s warm-fuzzy streak when it comes to Allison is enough to save her, because she certainly deserved to not depart before Lil or Anoop.
TROY: Let's be honest: Allison blew.
I still love her and that the judges are at least appreciating her now. I thought this was probably her worst performance, but still light years better than anything in the Liloopkey-sphere.
TRACY: And once again, you know I loves me some ADAM LAMBERT, but I was totally, completely bored with his “If I Can’t Have You.” I was hoping he’d actually do it BeeGees-style, with the falsetto and all that, but as I mentioned last week, he has created an unfailing pattern of alternating up-tempo wackiness with deeply felt ballads. This was deeply felt ballad week, and unlike Simon, I wasn’t in the least surprised that he slowed it down right on schedule. Unlike “Mad World” and “Tracks of My Tears,” however, I was uncharacteristically meh about this performance. I figured he'd be safe, but I hope he can actually throw me another OMG! curve ball before the season is over.
TROY: I wasn't surprised either (You can tell what kind of performance you'll get from Adam based on his clothing selection--suit and slicked down hair? That's "Chill Ballad Adam"). I WAS, however, disappointed. Yes, he sounded great (sans screaming at the end--really could have done without that), but the feel was pretty identical to his "Mad World." Adam's the unpredictable one, yet this week he was utterly predictable.
Would "Proud Mary" have counted as disco? Cause I would have LOVED to have seen Adam perform THAT.
TRACY: Totally! But no, that's so not disco.
I’m not sure why Simon was so hard on MATT GIRAUD last week, but I thought his "Stayin’ Alive" was one of the evening’s best. It was contemporary, funky, fun, and wholly original, unlike SOME people. (I’m staring at you, Lil and Anoop.) I thought he was super-cute in his little porkpie hat, and I enjoyed the Justin Timberlake vibe. I did not enjoy the decidedly un-Justin-Timberlake botching of the falsetto, but it was a minor blemish on an otherwise fabulous performance. I call foul, Simon. Matt deserved more love that that.
TROY: See...I think Simon is playing reverse psychology. Anytime Simon gives Matt's performance a positive critique, Matt and his distracting mole (seriously...does that thing get bigger each week?) wind up in the bottom 2.
Matt gave a really strong performance and has come light years from the "Viva La Vida" debacle at the beginning of the competition. I can now be happy that the judges used the save on him since Allison and Adam did not get the boot.
TRACY: Is it just me, or did ANOOP DESAI totally look like Alfred Molina after his character went all whackjob in Not Without My Daughter? Bad, bad facial hair. Very bad. He has a terrific smile, and there is no sense in covering it up.
The singing wasn’t much better than the scruffy goatee. I’m not sure what Randy and Kreepy Kara were pouring into their Coca-Cola cups, but I’m glad it made that performance less painful for them, since they put it squarely in their maddening “you can sing!” category. My ears, my dog, and my daughters were all screaming in pain when he was finished. Awful, awful, awful.
And those stupid little jackets? I am tired of them. Even the yard-flamingo pink vest couldn’t save that boring-ass outfit.
TROY: I miss crazy up-tempo Anoop. He's just so BORING now and has super shaky vocals. At least he's curbed the back-talking, but damn. We should use this time to mourn those that could have been (feel free to cue up Sarah McLaughlin's "I Will Remember You" as you read the following):
- Jessie Langseth
- Alexis Grace
- Rickey Braddy
TRACY: I KNOW!!!! And my boy Ju'not.
TROY: Not surprisingly, Anoop was gonged off the Idol stage on Wednesday's results show (along with Lil ... the Lunesta fairy has left the building, people). Save for the Voldemort of this season (DFG), do we
TRACY: Dude. That's unprecedented. Although I am bracing myself for the supreme injustice of one of the good singers getting kicked off before Danny Freaking Gokey.
TROY: Troy's Top 3: Matt Giraurd (and the expanding mole), Kris Allen, Ballad Adam (by default)
Troy's Bottom 3: Season 8's Lunesta Fairy and her Attitude, Voldemort, Anoop De-SIGH
TRACY: Perfect. (Although poor Matt! He can't help the mole.) Until next week!