It's American Idol!

I'm coming out of my deadline haze to blog with Troy about American Idol because there just aren't enough blogs out there about AI. And because we amuse me.

Anyway, Troy, were you as underwhelmed by the guys' auditions as I was? Every season, there have always been a moment or two when I rewound the Tivo again and again, because a performance was so great it gave me chills--Ruben singing "Superstar"; Bo Bice doing "Whipping Post"; Chris Daughtry and "Hemorrhage"; and, of course, Fantasia's "Summertime."

This year, the two people responsible for my Tivo replays didn't even make the top 24--Tami Gosnell the cab driver (and possible reincarnation of the late, great goddess of my universe Janis Joplin) and Akron, the one who, after Simon accused him of having no personality, busted out the Temptations and convinced him and the free world otherwise. Oh, and then there's Sundance, who not only lost his mojo, but seems to have thrown it to the ground, sat on it, and then stomped in into tiny little pieces.

After seeing that soporific mess last night and knowing what we have to look forward to tonight from the Tami-less group of women, I'm bitter, people. I'm really bitter. Was it just me, or did last night have a secret "The Crappiest Song I Can Think Of" theme? Richard Marx? For the love of God, people....

What did you think of the guys' auditions, Troy?

TROY: It could have also been “Bore the Audience” night. Or “Suck! – the Musical! ” Either way, I was VERY underwhelmed by the guys this season. And it made me nervous because I thought the guys would be better than the girls (which may be the opposite). I do still have hope for a “Summertime” or even a McPheever “Over the Rainbow” (I know, I know…). This is also the first time I don’t have a front runner favorite, so it should prove to be an interesting season.

TRACY: I just have to say that I NEVER had the McPheever, I hope to never have the McPheever in the future, and the one person on the planet with the biggest case of McPheever is McPhee herself. Bleh.

I don't want to rip on a Latino, but Rudy Cardenas SO needed a better song. And a stylist, or at least someone to tailor his jeans. With his little head and his giant baggy legs, he had the proportions of Big Bird and the dance moves to match. Ay. And dude, enough with the pelvic thrusts. It's definitely not a good idea to do the Time Warp again and again and again.

TROY: But, it’s just a step to the left….

TRACY: That would be a jump to the left, Grasshopper.

TROY: Rudy is just very unmemorable. He’s Big Bird, with Bert’s nose and on AmericanIdol.com he lists Chris Sligh as his “American Idol.” For that reason alone, I don’t predict him to stay long. Chris Sligh is the DEVIL. Disassociate, Rudy…disassociate.

TRACY: I was totally meh about Brandon Rogers. For some reason, I have a soft spot for both backup singers in the competition, because it just seems like the quintessential Cinderella story for someone who's been in the background to get a turn in the spotlight--and a HUGE spotlight like the most popular show on TV. But if this is what Brandon is going to bring to the competition, he should just go join Mikaylah Gordon as a sometime commentator on the Tyra Banks show. Bleh. He did have a nice, easygoing presence on stage, though.

TROY: He seems nice and I agree with the Cinderella story thing, but….boring. I can barely muster anything else to say about him. Side note: Mikaylah Gordon only adds to the trainwreck factor of Tyra “PANNNNTY PARTY” Banks’ show.

TRACY: WHAT happened to my boy Sundance? I loved, loved, LOVED his "Stormy Monday" audition (which I Tivo-ed into oblivion), but now he's been reduced to a pale imitation of Steve Buscemi's drunken yowlings on the Wedding Singer. Holy overwrought performance, Batman. ("Coz I lav yawwwwwwwwwwww. Yes, I lav YAWWWWWWWWW. OOOOOOHHHH, I LAAAAVV YAWWWWWWWWW!") If he stays, I hope he finds his mojo, and fast.

TROY: AN OPEN LETTER TO SUNDANCE: Sundance? Have you met Project Runway’s Michael? Jordis from Rock Star:INXS? Even Elsie from Hell’s Kitchen? Join the club, because, you sir, are the definition of CHOKE. I was embarrassed for you and myself for having to watch. It was an awkward moment, Sundance. Step it up because you are quickly becoming a conglomeration of Scott Savol’s talent and the personality of Ruben Studdard.

TRACY: Note to Paul Kim: Everyone is over the barefoot thing already. Put your shoes on--that's just unsanitary. Don't sing cheesy 80s ballads--only George Michael and Steve Perry can pull those off. And don't even THINK of putting a flower in your hair. I'm just saying.

TROY: He totally is the male Jasmine Trias, though hopefully America won’t find athlete’s foot charming. I honestly couldn’t even concentrate on the singing as much as the FEET. “I’m never putting shoes on America! Love me!” Ew. And his song choice was awful. Even if he is amazing at any point, I will never vote for him until he puts on some shoes.

TRACY: Word.

Was it just me, or did Chris Richardson--whom many apparently think looks like Justin Timberlake--suddenly morph into PeeWee Herman with a microphone in the middle of his performance? I half expected him to start doing the Tequila shuffle in the middle of all that dorky head-bobbing. And here's a clue from the clue factory for Chris: Bo Bice's record album may not have lived up to his promise for some listeners, but you can't touch the Biceman when it comes to stripped-down, uber-cool live performances. (i.e. If I EVER tried to twirl a mike stand like that, I'd undoubtedly hit myself in the face.) Don't ever do a song that he owned on the Idol stage (to the point where I'm still saying "Gavin de Who?") You will merely suffer in comparison.

TROY: I really thought Chris R. looked more like Kevin Federline than Justin Timberlake? J.FED? Anyway, I thought he was a'ight, but suffered in comparison to Gavin DeGraw and Mr. Bo Bice. Hopefully next week he doesn’t try “Vehicle” or “For Love of Money,” which Bo OWNED. He’s a'ight – he has a decent personality, style, and voice. Better song choice will benefit him, but I’m not feeling too snarky on him.

TRACY: Nick Pedro, you have a wonderful, unique voice, and you're cute in a Boston meathead kind of way, but RICHARD MARX IS THE DEVIL. DO NOT EVER SING HIS SYRUPY DRIVEL AGAIN. That is all.

TROY: Agreed, but he’s the QUITTER. He will always be known as the QUITTER! He has a nice voice and personality, but the song choice was ghastly. Plus, he’s the QUITTER! How will he redeem that? We’ll have to see…. Quitter!

TRACY: He's a sensitive guy.

TROY: Quitter!

TRACY: Wow, no love for Nick Pedro. Ahem. The only one who really rocked the house was Blake Lewis. And I think Randy was sipping some of Paula's "Coke" when he suggested that Blake should beatbox every time--the boy can sing, and he needs to showcase that. If he beatboxes every time, we will all end up wanting to beatbox him off the stage. Lots of people can spit a rhythm into a microphone, but can they all hit every note clear as a bell in front of millions of viewers? No, they cannot. You follow your instincts, Blake. Just sing something more fun next time.

TROY: Seriously…I thought the same thing. Who the heck wants to hear a beatboxing mess each week? Its fun to incorporate once in awhile (like Justin Timberlake), but every performance? Can you imagine an Andrea Bocelli song with BEATBOXING? Trainwreck!

TRACY: You know, that would be highly amusing. But it's never nice to make a world-class tenor cry by butchering his song, so I agree.

TROY: However, Blake is my favorite of the guys. He did something different to showcase his voice and I’m guessing that next week, he’ll perform a fun, up-beat song (although I kind of liked this week’s song). It’s nice to see someone taking chances and succeeding at them. A versatile talent, Blake is a shoo-in for the top 12 (or so I hope).

Wait…Blake ALSO said Chris Sligh is one of his American Idols. Sigh. You’re on thin ice now Blake. You’re lucky I can at least remember you (see: Rudy).

TRACY: Sanjaya Malak--zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Love the giant, cartoony smile, thought that performance was the most ponderous thing I've seen since my high school algebra teacher broke out quadratic equations for the first time. I can't reflect any more on that performance, or I might accidentally slip into a coma.

TROY: Someone help Sanjaya! He looks like one of the Joker’s victims (in Batman, the Joker sprays his victims with some toxin that makes them permanently smile – WHAT? I’m a geek. Sue me)!

He was the guy I was looking forward to the most, but I’m both bored and creeped out. Ish. Maybe he needs a reverse exorcism to put some soul IN him?

TRACY: Heh. How cringe-inducing was it when Chris Sligh started berating Simon about the Teletubbies and Il Divo? I think he's funny when he's not getting his inner Justin Guarini on ("That's your opinion, but what did YOU ALL think?"), but the fact is, Simon was right and Chris did not sing well. His voice was surprisingly strained on the high notes--to the point where he reminded me of me when I try belting "Piece of My Heart" when I'm alone in my car. (Sadly, I will never, ever be Janis Joplin. Which reminds me, once again, how very bitter I am over Tami Gosnell's untimely demise on the show. Grrrrr.) He has an odd lisp, and his voice sounds slightly muffled half the time, like he's singing through a pillow. Long story short, this guy is cruising on his one-liners--which is fine for now, but he won't win on that. That said, I'd love to see him get a movie or TV deal (perhaps he can steal Constantine Maroulis's--ewwwww), but so far, I wouldn't be buying a record.

TROY: Chris is dead to me. I never really liked him, but the thing I DESPISE most is when contestants sass back, especially when they don’t have the talent to back it up. Plus, he’s totally of the offspring of Guarini and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. I have a feeling he will make it to the top 12 on his looks and “personality” alone, which bugs. I might have to use ghetto TiVo (aka a VCR) to fast forward through all of his performances. He’s trainwrecky, but not in a good way like last year’s Bobby Bennett (the “Creepy Cabana!” Come back Bobby!).

TRACY: Creepy Cabana! Yes, he should totally come back!

TROY: Oh! The AmericanIdol.com interviews make him ever more obnoxious. He’s 28! And married? And he admits to “peeing before singing?” Whatever Chris. Cut your hair, shut up, and go away! That’s all….

TRACY: Jared Cotter--nice boy, nice smile, boring song, unmemorable performance.

TROY: Who? Just saying….

TRACY: I just wanted to reach through my TV set and squeeze AJ Tabaldo--how cute was he? Loved his smile, loved his happy little performance (though it's not up to Tivo rewinding standards), but I hated the outfit. Someone get the boy a stylist, stat. He dresses like an Oompa Loompa, circa 1983.

TROY: He seems nice, but I honestly don’t have much to say about him, except he reminds me of first season’s RJ. Instead of more commenting, I will quote Paula Abdul from last season: “The moth who finds the melon finds the corn flake always finds the melon and one of you didn’t pick the right fortune.”

TRACY: You're so making that up....

Words cannot express how annoying I find Phil Stacey. His adorable wife is a LOT more forgiving than I would be in her shoes. I don't care that he made the top 24--he MISSED the BIRTH of his CHILD, leaving his poor wife to go through labor on her own. Maybe she told him to stay at the auditions when she called to tell him the baby's arrival was imminent, but you know, his not bolting out of that Seattle stadium and getting his shiny bald head into that hospital anyway really frosts me. Priorities, people!

TROY: And to be fair, the baby was 2 – 3 weeks early? I’m just saying!

TRACY: Whatever. She did not call him and then pop out the kid ten minutes later, I'm sure. And then, THEN he brings a CAMERA CREW to the hospital, causing the poor thing to haul her undoubtedly exhausted self out of her hospital bed to put on makeup and do her hair, mere hours after giving BIRTH, so she wouldn't look like she got run over by a bus on national television. By all appearances, the man is INSANE. Instead of smiling supportively for the camera, I would have been beating him over the head with divorce papers. Here's your golden ticket, asshat!

TROY: Ha!

TRACY: The one thing that redeemed him slightly for me (and it wasn't his singing) was that he's a sailor in the Navy, and he didn't exploit that for personal gain (a la Josh Gracin, who saluted anything that moved during his audition a few years back).

Still, that's not enough for me to like the guy yet.

TROY: Oh God. I think NOTHING is as bad as Josh Gracin. The thought of him singing “Celebration!” with his country twang still keeps me up at night tossing and turning.

TRACY: :::shudder::

TROY: Phil Stacey will now be known as the “creepy lightbulb.” In fact, they should just put that above his phone number every week. “To Vote for the Creepy Light Bulb, call 1-866-VOTE 00.”

TRACY: Ha! That's hilarious!

TROY: The Creepy Light Bulb is just so spastic on stage and has the obnoxious story of leaving his wife to go siiiing! He’s got a decent voice, but he just seems so out of place, like Taylor Hicks did (but he wound up winning, so what do I know?). He’ll get the Patriotic vote though, missing the birth of his child, be damned! Most likely we’ll also be seeing him in the top 12. Sorry, Tracy!

TRACY: So my prediction.... I would like to see Phil Stacey depart, so his mere presence on my TV screen will no longer offend me, but I don't think that's going to be the case. I think Rudy Cardenas will probably go. And perhaps Paul Kim's smelly feet will turn viewers away. Sundance and Sanjaya probably deserve to go, but I think Stormy Monday and the giant cartoony smile respectively will bring them back for at least one more week. Long story short, I predict we'll be waving bye-bye-bye to Paul and Rudy.

TROY: Hmmmm. Who could I possibly want to be eliminated? Try…Chris Sligh? Maybe? (pleasegodplease) However I am agreeing that Rudy (Chris Sligh’s minion) might go and probably Jared (who?) Cotter. Sundance (who sucked!) and Sanjaya (ditto!) have the “stories” that will propel them close to the top 12.

Finally: Please, VotefortheWorst.com, PLEASE do not pick up on Chris Sligh. PLEASE.