Balance, or Lack Thereof

People have been asking me lately how I do it. "How do you write, and work, and take care of the kids?" "How do you balance everything?"

Actually, it's all just a clever facade. As Fred Astaire once said, I'm not dancing; I'm bamboozling you with my hands. (I'm quoting Dick Button quoting Fred Astaire here, so I could be misquoting. Just FYI.)

I'm not sure I feel very balanced lately. I feel a tremendous amount of mother-guilt every time I fire up the computer instead of playing with the kids, or every time I turn on Dora the Explorer yet AGAIN to entertain Maggie so I can take a work-related phone call. I'm a horrible mother. I don't have enough time for the girls. Their little brains are rotting away because I'm working instead of teaching them sign language or baby yoga or quantum physics for toddlers. You know, nobody told me motherhood was going to be the Biggest. Guilt trip. Ever.

Don't get me wrong--I love this new phase of my life. Yes, trying to juggle everything can be stressful, but basically life went from black-and-white Kansas to technicolor Oz when these two little beings came into it. But that's a whole other guilt trip--the time I'll have with them seems to short, it goes so quickly, so I sometimes feel like I should be wholly present, mindful of every moment we have together--which is, of course, ridiculously impossible.

I'm getting better. Someday, I might even get over myself. But in the meantime, the mother-guilt is definitely a real kick in the head.

So instead of asking how I balance everything, the proper question should probably be, how do you manage to write, work, and take care of the kids without your head exploding?

First of all, I'm very lucky to work for a nonprofit that is extremely parent-friendly. I started telecommuting before I had Maggie--I tried to quit because of the move, and my boss made me an offer I couldn't refuse. When I had Maggie, I went down to part-time. So, I work part-time (although that fluctuates week to week because I'm an editor and there are deadlines) and from home. Maggie only goes to day care part-time, and Marin will stay with me until she's about a year old, at which point she will join Maggie at the most expensive day care known to humankind (However, it has a privacy fence and an excellent security system (including monitors and a thumb scanner) to keep out the hordes of Floridian sexual predators you hear about on TV. Very important. And the teachers have been excellent.)

The fluctuating schedule allows me to sneak in some writing time while Maggie is at day care, on those weeks were work is slow and I'm actually working part-time hours instead of full-time (which is still part-time, really, because my office has a 32-hour workweek). If I had to balance a full-time job, kids, and writing, I think the writing would probably have to go on the back burner for awhile. In fact, it did while I was pregnant and a single mom last year, worrying about Jose in Iraq.

The other ways I manage to keep my head slightly above water are:

* Recognizing that clean is relative: My house pretty much constantly looks like a laundry basket and a toy box had a vomiting contest all over it. As long as it's not dirty/germy, there is no dried food anywhere, and the health department wouldn't condemn the place, I'm pretty Zen about the general state of disarray around here. Sure, you SAY my beds won't make themselves, but how can miracles happen when you don't set the stage for them?

* When in doubt, act like a fishwife: My husband is not the cleanest dude on the planet. However, he has learned that a happy home is one in which he picks up his own dirty socks, cleans his own coffee rings off the furniture, puts away his own giant piles of laundry, does the dishes after I cook, and takes care of our cute-but-mentally-deficient dog. Because when Tracy gets upset about his messy ways, his coffee cups, clothing, and other clutter (not the dog) all goes in garbage bags by the side of the road, and that just gets expensive. Not to mention it's bad for the environment.

* Dinner in a bag: Did you know that the Schwan's representative can bring you great dinners-in-a-bag that you can prepare in 15 minutes just by dumping them in a pan and turning on a burner? Bertolli's has some great pasta dinners-in-a-bag, too, that operate in much the same way. So if you loathe cooking with the white-hot fiery passion of a thousand suns like I do, maybe some of that extra money you're making by working AND writing can support your local Schwan's man/woman. Because, really, s/he has to eat, too.

* Taking time for moi: I meet up with some writer friends once a week to critique, eat, gossip, eat, and, uh, eat. Before I get there, I usually stop in at Barnes & Noble on the way, just for the sheer pleasure of walking around a bookstore without trying to lug around a shrieking two-year-old and a squirmy baby, bless their cute little selves. Just those few hours of quiet and adult conversation are enough to keep me sane for the week. And, once again, a happy home is one in which mommy isn't compelled to sweep up everything on the floor and donate it to the nearest Goodwill.

* Luck: Fortunately, I have the easiest baby (who apparently is perpetually happy) on the planet to take care of, and my two-year-old--though she can definitely act like a two-year-old--is also very sweet. They make my job as a mother easy. Relatively speaking. Because the guilt and the balancing act and all of that other stressful stuff really has very little to do with THEM, doesn't it?

Anyone else have any advice? How do you balance life, work, kids if you have them, pets, etc. and keep your head from exploding?