No one probably remembers this, but back in April, I wrote a post about our trip to Ft. Lauderdale to see the King Tut exhibit, entitled "Pyramids Are Oh, So Fine. Egypt. Egypt."
That title came from the line to a song that Jose sang over and over and OVER again all the way down to the southern tip of Florida. All. Six. Hours. Occasionally, he'd spice things up by adding a random, "Break it up, break it up. Get down, get down. Burn it up, burn it up." And then he'd go back to the original line.
We had surmised that it was a shred of Steve Martin's "King Tut" that had been embedded in his brain, but The Queen-a Athena blasted that theory by reproducing the lyrics to "King Tut" in their entirety in that post's comment section.
A Google search proved fruitless, so we figured the song fragment would remain one of life's great mysteries, along with who made the Easter Island statues and what happened to Atlantis.
But on this auspicious day, Jose returned from work once again singing, "Pyramids are Oh, So Fine. Egypt. Egypt." I promptly sent him to the computer and told him to find it once and for all. He started blasting awful 1980s dance music (i.e. NOT New Wave) from the loft computer, and then, wanting to put an end to that insanity right away, I launched my own search.
And then, a Festivus miracle happened. Google turned up the MySpace page of one circa 1983 musician by the name of Egyptian Lover who had a song called "Egypt, Egypt." I clicked on it, and it turned out to be the source of that interminable lyric. And, it's actually quite the fun song. Maggie and I threw our hands in the air and started doing the Cameron Diaz Butt Dance, until Jose spoiled our fun because Dr. Who was on.
If you, too, want to enjoy this butt-danceable masterpiece, click here for the MySpace link. If I can find it for download, it's so going on the gym playlist on my iPod.
Pyramids are Oh, So Fine. Egypt. Egypt.
Friday, December 08, 2006
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Worst. Christmas. Songs. Ever.
So I was driving Maggie around our fair city last night, as driving calms her down and she was exposed to cool air that soothed her throat--both great things for a croupy child who is coughing so hard, she's making herself throw up. The drive did the trick, and while Maggie and I were zipping around the neighborhood checking out Christmas light displays, my brother Tom called. Turns out he was driving as well, and I happened to mention something I was listening to on the holiday channel on Sirius ... which set him off in a way I haven't witnessed since he walked out of Star Wars, Episode 1 and someone said the name "Jar-Jar."
It was ugly. F-bombs flying everywhere.
Apparently, it took a few really horrible holiday songs to turn my brother into an activist. Last night, I learned that every year, Tom writes the good people at Sirius a letter, decryng their poor taste in holiday music and lamenting that several of his favorites have been sadly underplayed on Channel 2's December rotation. I'm guessing that it's something the Sirius people look forward to every year.
So, to give Tom another outlet to express his rage, today's blog is dedicated to both reproducing this year's letter and listing the Worst Christmas Songs Ever in the History of Ever. Take it away, Tom! (I'll interject here and there, because while they don't inspire the forehead-bulging rage that the Vince Vance group does for you, I do have my own list.)
To the Good People of Sirius:
I have been a Sirius subscriber for 2+ years and want to thank you for providing me an outlet away from terrestrial radio. I appreciate the lack of commercials on the music channels as well as the lack of idiot DJs, so thank you. However, I have 1 issue. Every year I look forward to the holiday season and the carols of Christmas that accompany it. I am happy that you have dedicated a couple of channels to playing only holiday music. What I am not happy with is the lack of creativity and selection of the songs played.
Whereas:
1.) "The Christmas Song" should never be played by anyone EXCEPT the late, great Nat "King" Cole.
2.) "White Christmas" should never be played by anyone EXCEPT the late, great Bing Crosby.
3.) Other standards are a necessity, but should not be played more than 5 times an hour!
4.) The variety of artists is good, BUT I am sure that each of them recorded more than 1 Christmas song! I can only take so much of Dean Martin singing "I've Got My Love to Keep Me Warm." How about "Baby It's Cold Outside?" Or when he does a classic like "Joy to the World," but puts that great Dean-o half drunk, leering attitude behind it?
5.) What the f@ck do you play Vince Vance and the Valiants' "All I want for Christmas is You?" Who the f@ck are they?! The song sounds like karaoke that I can go to my local bar and hear.
6.) Why must you insist on playing only the new version of "Do They Know Its Christmas?" The classic Band-Aid should have never suffered the indignity of being remade. Especially with that stupid rap in the middle of the new one.
If you could please just add more variety, it would be very much appreciated. I remain yours, a loyal subscriber,
Tom R.
I first want to apologize to Tracy's readers - she and Troy got the writing skills, I just got the math skills and a savant like sense of direction. Here is my list of songs that need to go!:
All I want for Christmas is You - Vince Vance and the Valiants - What a train wreck. This one gets me worked up the minute I see the name flash on my Sirius screen. First of all, who are these idiots? I actually looked them up on Wikipedia and found out that they are a "party band." If you ask me, they are a bunch of "no talent ass-clowns." (thanks Office Space!) Plus, that name is so lame. And, their 2 other "hits" according to Wikipedia were "Bomb Iran" and "Bomb Iraq." To me this is THE number one most annoying song played at Christmas.
Christmas Shoes - New Song - What a piece of crap this song is. It is one of those songs where the person writing it is just trying to gain attention as the "Aw, isn't that sweet" song. Well, it isn't. It is a manufactured, try-too-hard holiday song. Big ups to the Lean Left blog, which said:
"If you haven’t heard it, it’s a song about a boy who’s scraping together money to buy a pretty pair of shoes for his mom, who’s dying. He wants to buy them because 'I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight.' Oy. The only way to make the song even remotely tolerable is to do something Kevin found Googling up the song: Imagine the kid is a grifter, his mom is waiting in the car, and they’ve been pulling this scam at every store in town, with plans to return the shoes for cash two days after Christmas."
Wonderful Christmas Time - Paul McCartney - Anything from the Wings-era Sir Paul should be forgotten. He should have written this for Boxing Day instead. This is the Jar Jar Binks of Sir Paul's music career.
Anything by the Trans-Siberia Orchestra - Sorry fellas, but you could not carry the Manheim Steamrollers jock. Who came up with this? "Yeah, let's do some music like Manheim Steamroller, but then get really loud and annoying!" Well, you succeeded!
Any holiday song by the Eurythmics - I like their pop stuff, but the holiday stuff has to go.
Tracy jumps in to add:
Jingle Bells, by the Jingle Dogs
What kind of tin-eared freak thought it would be a good idea to have DOGS barking once-beloved Christmas carols in their entirety? I want to tie him up and make him listen to dogs barking every Clay Aiken song in existence. Accompanied by Kenny G.
Santa Baby, any version, but especially Madonna's
This song creeps me the hell out. I don't care if it's a song about a woman in love with her significant other, who happens to be dressed in a Santa suit at the moment. You simply Do. Not. Sexualize. Santa. It's wrong. So very, very wrong.
Any KidzBop carol
Note to the creator--just because you spell "kids" with a Z does not make you cool. Kidzbop--a Disney franchise where they take perfectly good songs and have a "choir" (and I use that term loosely) of loud, shrieking children (aka "kidz") belt them out at full voice while trying some ridiculously age-inappropriate runs and swoops and other vocal atrocities--is simply an abomination. To turn said children on holiday carols crosses a line that never, never should have been crossed.
I'm Getting Nuttin' for Christmas, by anyone
The word is nothing. NOTHING! NOTHING, damn you!
TOM SAYS: I know that a lot of you are thinking, "Hey! Lighten up! Its Christmas!" Well, I will by giving you some of my favorite songs.
Christmastime is Here and Hark the Herald Angels Sing - A Charlie Brown Christmas - Classic. I love the Peanuts gang and these songs are sincere. Plus, almost everyone will feel nostalgic hearing these 2. (Tracy says: What's up with replacing words with numbers? R U2 cool 4 this blog? I bet K-Fed does that.)
Anything on the Barenaked Ladies Holiday Album - If you want fun, good Christmas (and Hanukkah!) songs, pick up this album. BNL put a fun spin on Holiday songs. Plus, they have great Guests like Sarah Mclachlan and Michael Buble. I recommend "Elf's Lament," "Green Christmas," and "Hanukkah, Oh Hanukkah."
This Christmas - Jeffrey Osborne - I love the funk in this song. As a lifelong LA Lakers fan, I am partial to the man who sung many national Anthems before the start of their games. Plus, the man sang on "We Are the World" AND dueted with Alfonso Ribeiro on Celebrity Duets! (Tracy says: And he also sang something called "The Woo Woo Song." Which just has to be cool.)
Anything with Bing Crosby and the Andrews sisters. Just great harmonies and again, that nostalgic feeling. "Mele Kalikimaka" is one of my favorites!
Oi to the World - No Doubt - I am a big No Doubt fan and they did Christmas right with this one. It is true to their sound and background and has a Christmas theme - punk style. (Tracy says: I just hope it's better than what Gwen did to "It's the End of the World as We Know It" on New Year's. :::shudder:::)
Let Me Sleep - Pearl Jam - The greatest band to have ever lived. Another song true to the band. Eddie simply asks, "Please let me sleep, its Christmastime." (Tracy says: Eddie must have two croupy kids with eye goo. Rock on, Eddie! I feel your pain!)
My Favorite Things - Tony Bennett - I know, this was in Sound of Music, but this has become a holiday staple. TB's version is the best out there.
Tracy says: Thanks, Tom! No one does a cranky old man at 30 better than you, especially at Christmas!
It was ugly. F-bombs flying everywhere.
Apparently, it took a few really horrible holiday songs to turn my brother into an activist. Last night, I learned that every year, Tom writes the good people at Sirius a letter, decryng their poor taste in holiday music and lamenting that several of his favorites have been sadly underplayed on Channel 2's December rotation. I'm guessing that it's something the Sirius people look forward to every year.
So, to give Tom another outlet to express his rage, today's blog is dedicated to both reproducing this year's letter and listing the Worst Christmas Songs Ever in the History of Ever. Take it away, Tom! (I'll interject here and there, because while they don't inspire the forehead-bulging rage that the Vince Vance group does for you, I do have my own list.)
To the Good People of Sirius:
I have been a Sirius subscriber for 2+ years and want to thank you for providing me an outlet away from terrestrial radio. I appreciate the lack of commercials on the music channels as well as the lack of idiot DJs, so thank you. However, I have 1 issue. Every year I look forward to the holiday season and the carols of Christmas that accompany it. I am happy that you have dedicated a couple of channels to playing only holiday music. What I am not happy with is the lack of creativity and selection of the songs played.
Whereas:
1.) "The Christmas Song" should never be played by anyone EXCEPT the late, great Nat "King" Cole.
2.) "White Christmas" should never be played by anyone EXCEPT the late, great Bing Crosby.
3.) Other standards are a necessity, but should not be played more than 5 times an hour!
4.) The variety of artists is good, BUT I am sure that each of them recorded more than 1 Christmas song! I can only take so much of Dean Martin singing "I've Got My Love to Keep Me Warm." How about "Baby It's Cold Outside?" Or when he does a classic like "Joy to the World," but puts that great Dean-o half drunk, leering attitude behind it?
5.) What the f@ck do you play Vince Vance and the Valiants' "All I want for Christmas is You?" Who the f@ck are they?! The song sounds like karaoke that I can go to my local bar and hear.
6.) Why must you insist on playing only the new version of "Do They Know Its Christmas?" The classic Band-Aid should have never suffered the indignity of being remade. Especially with that stupid rap in the middle of the new one.
If you could please just add more variety, it would be very much appreciated. I remain yours, a loyal subscriber,
Tom R.
I first want to apologize to Tracy's readers - she and Troy got the writing skills, I just got the math skills and a savant like sense of direction. Here is my list of songs that need to go!:
All I want for Christmas is You - Vince Vance and the Valiants - What a train wreck. This one gets me worked up the minute I see the name flash on my Sirius screen. First of all, who are these idiots? I actually looked them up on Wikipedia and found out that they are a "party band." If you ask me, they are a bunch of "no talent ass-clowns." (thanks Office Space!) Plus, that name is so lame. And, their 2 other "hits" according to Wikipedia were "Bomb Iran" and "Bomb Iraq." To me this is THE number one most annoying song played at Christmas.
Christmas Shoes - New Song - What a piece of crap this song is. It is one of those songs where the person writing it is just trying to gain attention as the "Aw, isn't that sweet" song. Well, it isn't. It is a manufactured, try-too-hard holiday song. Big ups to the Lean Left blog, which said:
"If you haven’t heard it, it’s a song about a boy who’s scraping together money to buy a pretty pair of shoes for his mom, who’s dying. He wants to buy them because 'I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight.' Oy. The only way to make the song even remotely tolerable is to do something Kevin found Googling up the song: Imagine the kid is a grifter, his mom is waiting in the car, and they’ve been pulling this scam at every store in town, with plans to return the shoes for cash two days after Christmas."
Wonderful Christmas Time - Paul McCartney - Anything from the Wings-era Sir Paul should be forgotten. He should have written this for Boxing Day instead. This is the Jar Jar Binks of Sir Paul's music career.
Anything by the Trans-Siberia Orchestra - Sorry fellas, but you could not carry the Manheim Steamrollers jock. Who came up with this? "Yeah, let's do some music like Manheim Steamroller, but then get really loud and annoying!" Well, you succeeded!
Any holiday song by the Eurythmics - I like their pop stuff, but the holiday stuff has to go.
Tracy jumps in to add:
Jingle Bells, by the Jingle Dogs
What kind of tin-eared freak thought it would be a good idea to have DOGS barking once-beloved Christmas carols in their entirety? I want to tie him up and make him listen to dogs barking every Clay Aiken song in existence. Accompanied by Kenny G.
Santa Baby, any version, but especially Madonna's
This song creeps me the hell out. I don't care if it's a song about a woman in love with her significant other, who happens to be dressed in a Santa suit at the moment. You simply Do. Not. Sexualize. Santa. It's wrong. So very, very wrong.
Any KidzBop carol
Note to the creator--just because you spell "kids" with a Z does not make you cool. Kidzbop--a Disney franchise where they take perfectly good songs and have a "choir" (and I use that term loosely) of loud, shrieking children (aka "kidz") belt them out at full voice while trying some ridiculously age-inappropriate runs and swoops and other vocal atrocities--is simply an abomination. To turn said children on holiday carols crosses a line that never, never should have been crossed.
I'm Getting Nuttin' for Christmas, by anyone
The word is nothing. NOTHING! NOTHING, damn you!
TOM SAYS: I know that a lot of you are thinking, "Hey! Lighten up! Its Christmas!" Well, I will by giving you some of my favorite songs.
Christmastime is Here and Hark the Herald Angels Sing - A Charlie Brown Christmas - Classic. I love the Peanuts gang and these songs are sincere. Plus, almost everyone will feel nostalgic hearing these 2. (Tracy says: What's up with replacing words with numbers? R U2 cool 4 this blog? I bet K-Fed does that.)
Anything on the Barenaked Ladies Holiday Album - If you want fun, good Christmas (and Hanukkah!) songs, pick up this album. BNL put a fun spin on Holiday songs. Plus, they have great Guests like Sarah Mclachlan and Michael Buble. I recommend "Elf's Lament," "Green Christmas," and "Hanukkah, Oh Hanukkah."
This Christmas - Jeffrey Osborne - I love the funk in this song. As a lifelong LA Lakers fan, I am partial to the man who sung many national Anthems before the start of their games. Plus, the man sang on "We Are the World" AND dueted with Alfonso Ribeiro on Celebrity Duets! (Tracy says: And he also sang something called "The Woo Woo Song." Which just has to be cool.)
Anything with Bing Crosby and the Andrews sisters. Just great harmonies and again, that nostalgic feeling. "Mele Kalikimaka" is one of my favorites!
Oi to the World - No Doubt - I am a big No Doubt fan and they did Christmas right with this one. It is true to their sound and background and has a Christmas theme - punk style. (Tracy says: I just hope it's better than what Gwen did to "It's the End of the World as We Know It" on New Year's. :::shudder:::)
Let Me Sleep - Pearl Jam - The greatest band to have ever lived. Another song true to the band. Eddie simply asks, "Please let me sleep, its Christmastime." (Tracy says: Eddie must have two croupy kids with eye goo. Rock on, Eddie! I feel your pain!)
My Favorite Things - Tony Bennett - I know, this was in Sound of Music, but this has become a holiday staple. TB's version is the best out there.
Tracy says: Thanks, Tom! No one does a cranky old man at 30 better than you, especially at Christmas!
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
The First Annual Academy Awards That Need to Be Revoked List
A plague has visited the house of Fernandez (real name alert!) this week, and it's so not pretty. I hauled Maggie to the ER last night at 2 am-ish due to severe coughing/vomiting, and the poor thing was diagnosed with croup and pink eye in both eyes. Marin, the original pink-eyed lady, has been sick since the Monday before Thanksgiving, and two nights ago woke up with her entire face crusted over like something from the X-Files. We're off to our third visit to the doctor this morning.
Of course, I'm glad things aren't worse, but it's still heartbreaking to see them both feeling so awful. Curse you, cold and flu and crusty face season!
Anyway, in a random and completely unrelated subject change, my youngest brother Troy and I had a hilarious discussion a few weeks ago about people whose Academy Awards should be revoked. We have tried to recapture the hilarity of the original below. Enjoy!
TRACY: It's Oscar season, and the craptacular end-of-summer film blahs give way to more cerebral and effects-laden fare, as movie producers start courting the Hollywood Academy for award nominations.
However, it is the opinion of myself and my brother and pop culture freak Troy that certain individuals have been smiled upon by the Academy when they ought to have been spit upon, chewed up into little pieces, and drop-kicked right over to the Razzies. So, in an effort to right past wrongs, we hereby publish our esteemed list of Academy Awards that Need to be Revoked.
BEST ACTOR
TRACY: The Best Actor field isn't filled with easy targets like, say, Best Supporting Actress (see below), but the Academy's streak of excellent judgment (Gregory Peck in To Kill a Mockingbird, anyone?) ended in 1978, when Richard Dreyfus won for The Goodbye Girl.
No, I've never seen the film (though I've seen too many others, including that sugar-shock fest, Mr. Holland's Opus), and no, I don't care if anyone thinks he is a good actor. It is my expert opinion that he is annoying and has a cheesy mustache.
After '78, Oscar gets back on track with a list of considerable talent earning the Best Actor nod, from Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino to Dustin Hoffman and Ben Kingsley. And then it all just goes to hell when Nicholas Cage, that nasal, overacting hack, snagged the award for Leaving Las Vegas. If I see that man clench his fist and inhale through his teeth one more time in a movie, I think my head will explode. Ugh.
TROY: I agree with pretty much everything here. I think Nicholas Cage's award has to be taken away from him twice and then used to bash him over the head for the monstrousity known as Ghost Rider that is being released in 2007.
TRACY: I would have noted that it's a little premature to be hating on Ghost Rider, but seeing as Nicholas Cage hasn't surprised anyone with a performance in years :::clench fist, inhale through teeth, bug out eyes::::, I'd have to agree.
TROY: I HATE that Jamie Foxx was so good in Ray. His ego (and Kanye West's for that matter) needs to be deflated faster than you can say "Booty Call."
TRACY: I loved him in Ray. You're right about the ego, though. HUGE!
TROY: Additionally, I AM swiping away Roberto Benigni's Oscar for being a one hit wonder and super creepy.
TRACY: Boo! He made me laugh with all of his chair jumping and wanting to make love to the entire Oscar audience. Sure, I wouldn't want to sit next to him on an airplane, but from a couple thousand miles away through my TV screen, he's entertaining!
IMHO, everyone else in this category pretty much deserved their award, though it's a shame we had to wait until 2001 for Denzel to join Sidney Poitier as an African-American winner. And where are the Latinos? Surely someone, somewhere, gave a moving performance as a janitor, gangbanger, or pool boy? Edward James Olmos, you've been robbed!
BEST ACTRESS
TRACY: Here, again, the Academy did pretty well, until the streak comes to a grinding halt with Helen Hunt in As Good as It Gets.
TROY: SWIPE to Helen Hunt because she looks so much like Leelee Sobieski. Giving her an award is like giving it to geek girl (most annoying actress EVAH!) And does Helen Hunt have lips?
TRACY: Agreed. Leelee Sobieski is the human equivalent of tinnitus, so we'd have to swipe it just on those grounds. But Helen Hunt's overacting whenever she has some sort of romantic soliloquy (i.e. end of Castaway and What Women Want) makes me want to swipe her Oscar AND give it collectively to the actors in a purposely over-the-top Mexican soap opera, like La Madrastra.
The Helen Hunt debacle was followed the next year by Gwyneth Paltrow in Shakespeare in Love. Now, she may have been misquoted in saying that the UK is more civilized than the US, but all signs point to Ms. Fish Stick as being someone who sucks the fun out of, oh, everything. Funsucker!
TROY: SWIPE to Julia Roberts for never being able to close her mouth.
TRACY: I'd revoke Julia Roberts' Oscar, too, just because she stole that poor woman's husband and then started calling herself Mrs. Danny Moder. What's that? Do I hear 1957 calling to get it's method of address back?
And then there's the sensitive question of what to do about Halle Berry? I loved her performance in Monster's Ball, and I was a big sobbing mess during her Oscar speech, (shameful that it took that many years for THAT door to be opened, to paraphrase). But she must never, ever, EVER star in another superhero movie again. The Incredible Disappearing Accent in the X-Men films made my head hurt.
TROY: Halle Berry blows. She made Catwoman and stunk up the X-Men franchise, annihilating two beloved comic book characters. Plus, to coin from you, Lamest. Bond. Girl. EVAH! And she has a Razzie. Kiss Oscar goodbye!
TRACY: Whoa. Troy's getting nasty, y'all. OK, let's swipe her Oscar and give it to Angela Bassett, who both rocks (AMAZING in everything she's in, esp. What's Love Got to Do With It) and has not butchered a comic book character. That way, the door can stay open, and I can pretend that Angela gave the moving Oscar speech.
TROY: I also was thinking about giving props to Angela Bassett, so you read my mind!
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
TRACY: I revoke Joe Pesci's Oscar on the basis that anyone who talks through his nose should not be recognized for speaking/acting ability. Ever.
TROY: I also swipe Martin Landau's for being a crabby old man.
TRACY: Hey, I like his crabby old man schtick! But OK.
Here's a painful one: As much as I ADORED his performance as Rod Tidwell in Jerry Macguire, I think we have to revoke Cuba Gooding Jr's Oscar due to the gross amount of sheer crap he's inflicted on us since. Cuba, all it takes is one more excellent performance in a decent, well-written film, and you can have your little gold statue back!
TROY: Cuba sealed his fate when he made Boat Trip. It was a great moment when he accepted his Oscar, but he couldn't back up the promise of his talent. Now he's the king of Direct-to-DVD films. Call up Quentin Tarantino and make a comeback!
TRACY: Totally. We're pulling for you, Cuba!
TROY: I was rooting for you! WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU! LEAAAARNNN SOMETHING FROM THIS!
TRACY: I just have to say that I always find it a little disturbing whenever you decide to channel Tyra Banks, but that was wholly appropriate.
Also, I'd give George Clooney another Oscar for being hot AND having a conscience without having to be brainwashed by Angelina Jolie.
TROY: Double awards to Michael Caine for being so awesome.
TRACY: Word.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
TRACY: Here's where the Oscars are ripe for the taking.
First order of business, I'll give Helen Hunt's Oscar to Rita Moreno for being one of the lone Latinos on the Oscar acting list and NOT playing a gangbanger, maid, pool girl, or ho. Stupid Academy. Stupid casting directors.
TROY: Until, J.LO wins an Oscar one of these days!
TRACY: It could happen! J.Lo, despite rumors of diva behavior and morphing based on whichever dude she's married to at the moment, is a good actress.
Oh, I just realized. My girl Rita Moreno was a gangbanger's girlfriend in West Side Story. Whatever, it was a cool part, and she was badass. "A boy like thaaaaaaat, who killed your brother!"
TROY: Moving on....
TRACY: "Forget that boy, and FIND ANOTHER!"
TROY: Still moving on....
TRACY: Funsucker.
We need to also take away Mary Steenburgen's 1980 Oscar for Melvin and Howard (what?) away based on the Pesci-Cage talking-through-your-nose rule. ("A boy who killlllllllsssss, cannot LOVE!")
TROY: (Stop it.) In addition to her vacant stare, she's super boring! Talking about her, puts me t...ZZZzzzZZZzZZZZZZzzzZZZ...I mean, SWIPE!
TRACY: And then there's Geena Davis, who needs her Accidental Tourist award swiped both for the film being bad, for talking like a space cadet, and for being the same googly-eyed weirdo in every film she's in. You can't get an award for being the same person in every film you're in! That's not right!
TROY: SWIPE! You can't forget that monotonous man voice, slouchy posture, and bad choices in film (Cutthroat Island?) AND television (I really do NOT want to see her as the president, thank you). Someone needs to be banished from Hollywood!
TRACY: I swipe Anna Paquin's award for The Piano because she was annoying in the film and continues to annoy as an adult.
TROY: And she ruined Rogue. And she has a stupid mousey voice. And bad teeth. Bleh. SWIPE!
TRACY: Totally giving that one to Dakota Fanning, who is not annoying and knows how to dress like the precocious and delightful little girl she is. (However, if you ho it up when you hit Lindsay Lohan-age, Dakota, I'm coming for you!)
I also swipe Dianne Wiest's award for Bullets Over Broadway, again invoking the Pesci-Cade nose-talking rule.
TROY: Awww, I don't mind Dianne Wiest. She seems like a nice lady. I'm indifferent.
TRACY: OK, she's my Martin Landau. SWIPE!
And I swipe Mira Sorvino's award, invoking the Cuba Gooding Jr. everything-you've-made-since-is-dreck rule.
TROY: But, she was in Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion! Eh...I guess that's it though.
TRACY: I fail to see how that exempts her from the rule stated above.
TROY: Poor Mira Sorvino. Swipe!
You can't forget Dame Judi Dench's award, because EIGHT MINUTES? That's a slap in the face to the other nominees!
TRACY: Yes, but she's divine. Oh, OK. Let's give that one to Helen Mirren, another actress from across the water who is fabulous.
And now, I swipe Kim Basinger's for being a ho in most films she's in.
TROY: What about that empowering role in 8 Mile? SWIPE!
TRACY: I swipe Angelina Jolie's because she has to get naked in every film she's in, regardless of whether it's relevant to the plot or not. No one needs to see all that all the time, Jolie, no matter how perfect it is.
TROY: I'll let you swipe Sexy Jolie's, only because I hope that one day her and Jennifer Aniston are both nominated at the same time, ending with Jolie winning her second Oscar. It would be glorious!
TRACY: So mean!
TROY: I would also like to swipe Rachel Weisz's award, not because she was bad or anything, but because Michelle Williams and Amy Adams were amazing.
TRACY: Poor Rachel. I swipe Marcia Gay Harden's because she's obnoxious and has a prissy little smile. You can explain why--take it away, Troy!
TROY: Give Marcia Gay Harden's award back to Kate Hudson, who everyone expected to win that year for Almost Famous. Hudson probably had her acceptance speech all set, only to be usurped by Marcia Prissy Pants who, with her smug face, proclaimed, "Despite what everyone said, I KNEW I would win!" Ick. I think that losing an almost guaranteed award drove Kate Hudson to insanity, resulting in her horrible choice in movies as of late.
TRACY: And finally, I swipe Renee Zellweger's because she's bat-crap crazy.
TROY: But a good actress! And if she keeps getting praise, she'll stick around in Hollywood and we can laugh at her!
TRACY: Batcrapcrazy.
TROY: Any of these actresses need to give their award to Julianne Moore. Four nominations and no award? Snap!
TRACY: Agreed! Love her!
TROY: And I just have to end with a link to this video, which is all kinds of awesome.
TRACY: (That would be "George Lucas Does Singing in the Rain.") I see the family penchant for non-sequiturs is still intact. EGG-cellent.
Of course, I'm glad things aren't worse, but it's still heartbreaking to see them both feeling so awful. Curse you, cold and flu and crusty face season!
Anyway, in a random and completely unrelated subject change, my youngest brother Troy and I had a hilarious discussion a few weeks ago about people whose Academy Awards should be revoked. We have tried to recapture the hilarity of the original below. Enjoy!
TRACY: It's Oscar season, and the craptacular end-of-summer film blahs give way to more cerebral and effects-laden fare, as movie producers start courting the Hollywood Academy for award nominations.
However, it is the opinion of myself and my brother and pop culture freak Troy that certain individuals have been smiled upon by the Academy when they ought to have been spit upon, chewed up into little pieces, and drop-kicked right over to the Razzies. So, in an effort to right past wrongs, we hereby publish our esteemed list of Academy Awards that Need to be Revoked.
BEST ACTOR
TRACY: The Best Actor field isn't filled with easy targets like, say, Best Supporting Actress (see below), but the Academy's streak of excellent judgment (Gregory Peck in To Kill a Mockingbird, anyone?) ended in 1978, when Richard Dreyfus won for The Goodbye Girl.
No, I've never seen the film (though I've seen too many others, including that sugar-shock fest, Mr. Holland's Opus), and no, I don't care if anyone thinks he is a good actor. It is my expert opinion that he is annoying and has a cheesy mustache.
After '78, Oscar gets back on track with a list of considerable talent earning the Best Actor nod, from Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino to Dustin Hoffman and Ben Kingsley. And then it all just goes to hell when Nicholas Cage, that nasal, overacting hack, snagged the award for Leaving Las Vegas. If I see that man clench his fist and inhale through his teeth one more time in a movie, I think my head will explode. Ugh.
TROY: I agree with pretty much everything here. I think Nicholas Cage's award has to be taken away from him twice and then used to bash him over the head for the monstrousity known as Ghost Rider that is being released in 2007.
TRACY: I would have noted that it's a little premature to be hating on Ghost Rider, but seeing as Nicholas Cage hasn't surprised anyone with a performance in years :::clench fist, inhale through teeth, bug out eyes::::, I'd have to agree.
TROY: I HATE that Jamie Foxx was so good in Ray. His ego (and Kanye West's for that matter) needs to be deflated faster than you can say "Booty Call."
TRACY: I loved him in Ray. You're right about the ego, though. HUGE!
TROY: Additionally, I AM swiping away Roberto Benigni's Oscar for being a one hit wonder and super creepy.
TRACY: Boo! He made me laugh with all of his chair jumping and wanting to make love to the entire Oscar audience. Sure, I wouldn't want to sit next to him on an airplane, but from a couple thousand miles away through my TV screen, he's entertaining!
IMHO, everyone else in this category pretty much deserved their award, though it's a shame we had to wait until 2001 for Denzel to join Sidney Poitier as an African-American winner. And where are the Latinos? Surely someone, somewhere, gave a moving performance as a janitor, gangbanger, or pool boy? Edward James Olmos, you've been robbed!
BEST ACTRESS
TRACY: Here, again, the Academy did pretty well, until the streak comes to a grinding halt with Helen Hunt in As Good as It Gets.
TROY: SWIPE to Helen Hunt because she looks so much like Leelee Sobieski. Giving her an award is like giving it to geek girl (most annoying actress EVAH!) And does Helen Hunt have lips?
TRACY: Agreed. Leelee Sobieski is the human equivalent of tinnitus, so we'd have to swipe it just on those grounds. But Helen Hunt's overacting whenever she has some sort of romantic soliloquy (i.e. end of Castaway and What Women Want) makes me want to swipe her Oscar AND give it collectively to the actors in a purposely over-the-top Mexican soap opera, like La Madrastra.
The Helen Hunt debacle was followed the next year by Gwyneth Paltrow in Shakespeare in Love. Now, she may have been misquoted in saying that the UK is more civilized than the US, but all signs point to Ms. Fish Stick as being someone who sucks the fun out of, oh, everything. Funsucker!
TROY: SWIPE to Julia Roberts for never being able to close her mouth.
TRACY: I'd revoke Julia Roberts' Oscar, too, just because she stole that poor woman's husband and then started calling herself Mrs. Danny Moder. What's that? Do I hear 1957 calling to get it's method of address back?
And then there's the sensitive question of what to do about Halle Berry? I loved her performance in Monster's Ball, and I was a big sobbing mess during her Oscar speech, (shameful that it took that many years for THAT door to be opened, to paraphrase). But she must never, ever, EVER star in another superhero movie again. The Incredible Disappearing Accent in the X-Men films made my head hurt.
TROY: Halle Berry blows. She made Catwoman and stunk up the X-Men franchise, annihilating two beloved comic book characters. Plus, to coin from you, Lamest. Bond. Girl. EVAH! And she has a Razzie. Kiss Oscar goodbye!
TRACY: Whoa. Troy's getting nasty, y'all. OK, let's swipe her Oscar and give it to Angela Bassett, who both rocks (AMAZING in everything she's in, esp. What's Love Got to Do With It) and has not butchered a comic book character. That way, the door can stay open, and I can pretend that Angela gave the moving Oscar speech.
TROY: I also was thinking about giving props to Angela Bassett, so you read my mind!
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
TRACY: I revoke Joe Pesci's Oscar on the basis that anyone who talks through his nose should not be recognized for speaking/acting ability. Ever.
TROY: I also swipe Martin Landau's for being a crabby old man.
TRACY: Hey, I like his crabby old man schtick! But OK.
Here's a painful one: As much as I ADORED his performance as Rod Tidwell in Jerry Macguire, I think we have to revoke Cuba Gooding Jr's Oscar due to the gross amount of sheer crap he's inflicted on us since. Cuba, all it takes is one more excellent performance in a decent, well-written film, and you can have your little gold statue back!
TROY: Cuba sealed his fate when he made Boat Trip. It was a great moment when he accepted his Oscar, but he couldn't back up the promise of his talent. Now he's the king of Direct-to-DVD films. Call up Quentin Tarantino and make a comeback!
TRACY: Totally. We're pulling for you, Cuba!
TROY: I was rooting for you! WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU! LEAAAARNNN SOMETHING FROM THIS!
TRACY: I just have to say that I always find it a little disturbing whenever you decide to channel Tyra Banks, but that was wholly appropriate.
Also, I'd give George Clooney another Oscar for being hot AND having a conscience without having to be brainwashed by Angelina Jolie.
TROY: Double awards to Michael Caine for being so awesome.
TRACY: Word.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
TRACY: Here's where the Oscars are ripe for the taking.
First order of business, I'll give Helen Hunt's Oscar to Rita Moreno for being one of the lone Latinos on the Oscar acting list and NOT playing a gangbanger, maid, pool girl, or ho. Stupid Academy. Stupid casting directors.
TROY: Until, J.LO wins an Oscar one of these days
TRACY: It could happen! J.Lo, despite rumors of diva behavior and morphing based on whichever dude she's married to at the moment, is a good actress.
Oh, I just realized. My girl Rita Moreno was a gangbanger's girlfriend in West Side Story. Whatever, it was a cool part, and she was badass. "A boy like thaaaaaaat, who killed your brother!"
TROY: Moving on....
TRACY: "Forget that boy, and FIND ANOTHER!"
TROY: Still moving on....
TRACY: Funsucker.
We need to also take away Mary Steenburgen's 1980 Oscar for Melvin and Howard (what?) away based on the Pesci-Cage talking-through-your-nose rule. ("A boy who killlllllllsssss, cannot LOVE!")
TROY: (Stop it.) In addition to her vacant stare, she's super boring! Talking about her, puts me t...ZZZzzzZZZzZZZZZZzzzZZZ...I mean, SWIPE!
TRACY: And then there's Geena Davis, who needs her Accidental Tourist award swiped both for the film being bad, for talking like a space cadet, and for being the same googly-eyed weirdo in every film she's in. You can't get an award for being the same person in every film you're in! That's not right!
TROY: SWIPE! You can't forget that monotonous man voice, slouchy posture, and bad choices in film (Cutthroat Island?) AND television (I really do NOT want to see her as the president, thank you). Someone needs to be banished from Hollywood!
TRACY: I swipe Anna Paquin's award for The Piano because she was annoying in the film and continues to annoy as an adult.
TROY: And she ruined Rogue. And she has a stupid mousey voice. And bad teeth. Bleh. SWIPE!
TRACY: Totally giving that one to Dakota Fanning, who is not annoying and knows how to dress like the precocious and delightful little girl she is. (However, if you ho it up when you hit Lindsay Lohan-age, Dakota, I'm coming for you!)
I also swipe Dianne Wiest's award for Bullets Over Broadway, again invoking the Pesci-Cade nose-talking rule.
TROY: Awww, I don't mind Dianne Wiest. She seems like a nice lady. I'm indifferent.
TRACY: OK, she's my Martin Landau. SWIPE!
And I swipe Mira Sorvino's award, invoking the Cuba Gooding Jr. everything-you've-made-since-is-dreck rule.
TROY: But, she was in Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion! Eh...I guess that's it though.
TRACY: I fail to see how that exempts her from the rule stated above.
TROY: Poor Mira Sorvino. Swipe!
You can't forget Dame Judi Dench's award, because EIGHT MINUTES? That's a slap in the face to the other nominees!
TRACY: Yes, but she's divine. Oh, OK. Let's give that one to Helen Mirren, another actress from across the water who is fabulous.
And now, I swipe Kim Basinger's for being a ho in most films she's in.
TROY: What about that empowering role in 8 Mile? SWIPE!
TRACY: I swipe Angelina Jolie's because she has to get naked in every film she's in, regardless of whether it's relevant to the plot or not. No one needs to see all that all the time, Jolie, no matter how perfect it is.
TROY: I'll let you swipe Sexy Jolie's, only because I hope that one day her and Jennifer Aniston are both nominated at the same time, ending with Jolie winning her second Oscar. It would be glorious!
TRACY: So mean!
TROY: I would also like to swipe Rachel Weisz's award, not because she was bad or anything, but because Michelle Williams and Amy Adams were amazing.
TRACY: Poor Rachel. I swipe Marcia Gay Harden's because she's obnoxious and has a prissy little smile. You can explain why--take it away, Troy!
TROY: Give Marcia Gay Harden's award back to Kate Hudson, who everyone expected to win that year for Almost Famous. Hudson probably had her acceptance speech all set, only to be usurped by Marcia Prissy Pants who, with her smug face, proclaimed, "Despite what everyone said, I KNEW I would win!" Ick. I think that losing an almost guaranteed award drove Kate Hudson to insanity, resulting in her horrible choice in movies as of late.
TRACY: And finally, I swipe Renee Zellweger's because she's bat-crap crazy.
TROY: But a good actress! And if she keeps getting praise, she'll stick around in Hollywood and we can laugh at her!
TRACY: Batcrapcrazy.
TROY: Any of these actresses need to give their award to Julianne Moore. Four nominations and no award? Snap!
TRACY: Agreed! Love her!
TROY: And I just have to end with a link to this video, which is all kinds of awesome.
TRACY: (That would be "George Lucas Does Singing in the Rain.") I see the family penchant for non-sequiturs is still intact. EGG-cellent.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Christmastime is Here Again!
I'm back from a ridiculously long hiatus. Sorry about that--lots of stuff going on. Anyway, it's the holiday season again, and I've been wrapped up in my annual Great Christmas Music Buying Binge, iTunes doing a wonderful job enabling me by recommending new holiday albums every day. (Curse you, iTunes!)
I'm happy to report, however, that I've easily resisted the temptation to purchase Twisted Sister's "Twisted Christmas" album, despite iTunes' hawking it in front of me at every turn, mainly because I love holiday classics and don't think they need to be augmented by a screaming guitar riff and barnstorming metalhead vocals. But any Twisted fans out there ... knock yourselves out.
Last year, I posted a list of my favorite holiday tunes, augmented by a selection from my brother Tom, the family Christmas music connoisseur. This year, I thought I'd share some of my newest Christmas discoveries:
• "The Little Drummer Boy," Mercy Me. I confess, I'm a Christmas sap, and "The Little Drummer Boy" always, and I mean always reduces me to a sodden, tissue-clutching mess. Every year, I avoid this song like nobody's business, not wanting to get caught doing the Ugly Cry in front of the makeup counter lady at Saks or at fellow passengers inside random elevators. ("He SMILED at him! *sniff* After he played his little drum! How great is THAT?" *SOB!*) But the song always manages to sneak up on me.
This year, my husband discovered this slightly rock-tinged "Little Drummer Boy" by Christian band Mercy Me, who managed to inject even MORE cheese into the familiar tune by belting out that bit about "shall I play for you?" at full voice, bringing it down for a soft, "Then he smiled at me." at the end. I'm tearing up even as I type this--which means you can point and laugh now. I'm used to it.
• Gabriel's Message, Sting. Longtime readers know about my obsession with Sting. I am not so much over the moon about the man because of his looks--it's just the voice. Oh, that voice. How many times did I rewind Tivo when Sting was on "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" playing "Fields of Gold" on the lute? Too many times, that's how many.
Anyway, "Gabriel's Message." Sting takes this not-too-familiar carol and puts it into four-part madrigal style, somehow managing to flavor it with a hint of old-school Police edginess that often goes missing from his later work. My new Favorite! Carol! EVAH!
• Carol of the Bells, Moya Brennan. Clannad singer Moya used to be known as Maire Brennan until she apparently tired of slack-jawed yokels with no knowledge of gaelic spelling/pronunciation (like, oh, ME), screwing up her name. She just came out with a brand-new Christmas album this year, and it's so gorgeous, I can hardly stand myself. Her Clannad-styled Carol of the Bells is my favorite, but I adore the whole album with the white-hot fiery passion of a thousand Christmas lights.
• Sou Gan, the Night Heron Consort. I discovered the Night Heron Consort while on a visit to Monticello, Thomas Jefferson's home in Charlottesville, VA, a few years ago. It was the Christmas season, and the Monticello gift shop suckered me in by playing a NHC CD as I ducked through. NHC is a little-known, pared-down Celtic group, and their Celtic Celebration 1 CD remains my all-time favorite Christmas CD of all time. So this year, I bought Celtic Celebration 2, which features more simple, elegant celtic arrangements of familiar carols and Celtic classics. "Sou Gan," from number 2, is an old Welsh lullaby. But the CD features plenty of well-known fare, including a lovely version of "The First Noel."
• The Coventry Carol, Mediaeval Baebes. Generally, the Mediaeval Baebes annoy me, not in small part because of their insistence hawking their baebe-ishness to sell albums instead of their musical talent. But this haunting a capella version of one of my favorite carols redeemed them for me. The only thing that keeps this one from being perfect are the random trilled Rs, i.e
"Herod the king, in his rrrrrrrraging...."
• Song for a Winter's Night, by Sarah McLachlan. If you're prone to the holiday blues, you might want to stay away from McLachlan's new "Wintersong" album, which is infused with so much of her trademark melancholy, you may just want to throw yourself under a Toys for Tots van after listening to the whole thing. Her cover of Joni Mitchell's "River," while lovely, is pretty much the musical equivalent of having an icy wet blanket dropped on your holiday-spirit-filled head. But I'll always have a soft spot for "Song for a Winter's Night," which does a fab job of conjuring up the feeling of being cozy in a warm house by a fire while it's snowing like mad outside.
• "Do They Know It's Christmas?" Band-Aid. Another year has gone by, and time has not diminished my mortifying love for this craptacular song. Just as a reminder, here's what I said about it last year, which, sadly, still applies:
It's pedestrian, politically incorrect, and factually incorrect as well (seeing as the freaking NILE flows through Ethiopia, thereby making the lyric "no rain nor river flows" wrong). Also, seeing as Christianity is one of the two main religions of the country, of course they knew it was Christmas. A more appropriate title might have been "Do They Give a Rat's Ass That It's Christmas, Because There's a FAMINE Going On?" And the whole manner of referring to the people of Ethiopia as "them" and "the other one" always felt weirdly condescending to me.
But somehow, some way, I manage to ignore all of this whenever that blasted song comes on the radio, and I start belting out "FEEEEEEEED THE WOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRLD!!" along with Duran Duran, Boy George, George Michael, Phil Collins, et al. There it is--I love this song. I. Love. This. Horrible. Song. It puts me in a Christmas-y mood every year.
I'm so ashamed.
Any good holiday music recommendations? (Not like I need any more holiday music, but I thought I'd ask....)
I'm happy to report, however, that I've easily resisted the temptation to purchase Twisted Sister's "Twisted Christmas" album, despite iTunes' hawking it in front of me at every turn, mainly because I love holiday classics and don't think they need to be augmented by a screaming guitar riff and barnstorming metalhead vocals. But any Twisted fans out there ... knock yourselves out.
Last year, I posted a list of my favorite holiday tunes, augmented by a selection from my brother Tom, the family Christmas music connoisseur. This year, I thought I'd share some of my newest Christmas discoveries:
• "The Little Drummer Boy," Mercy Me. I confess, I'm a Christmas sap, and "The Little Drummer Boy" always, and I mean always reduces me to a sodden, tissue-clutching mess. Every year, I avoid this song like nobody's business, not wanting to get caught doing the Ugly Cry in front of the makeup counter lady at Saks or at fellow passengers inside random elevators. ("He SMILED at him! *sniff* After he played his little drum! How great is THAT?" *SOB!*) But the song always manages to sneak up on me.
This year, my husband discovered this slightly rock-tinged "Little Drummer Boy" by Christian band Mercy Me, who managed to inject even MORE cheese into the familiar tune by belting out that bit about "shall I play for you?" at full voice, bringing it down for a soft, "Then he smiled at me." at the end. I'm tearing up even as I type this--which means you can point and laugh now. I'm used to it.
• Gabriel's Message, Sting. Longtime readers know about my obsession with Sting. I am not so much over the moon about the man because of his looks--it's just the voice. Oh, that voice. How many times did I rewind Tivo when Sting was on "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" playing "Fields of Gold" on the lute? Too many times, that's how many.
Anyway, "Gabriel's Message." Sting takes this not-too-familiar carol and puts it into four-part madrigal style, somehow managing to flavor it with a hint of old-school Police edginess that often goes missing from his later work. My new Favorite! Carol! EVAH!
• Carol of the Bells, Moya Brennan. Clannad singer Moya used to be known as Maire Brennan until she apparently tired of slack-jawed yokels with no knowledge of gaelic spelling/pronunciation (like, oh, ME), screwing up her name. She just came out with a brand-new Christmas album this year, and it's so gorgeous, I can hardly stand myself. Her Clannad-styled Carol of the Bells is my favorite, but I adore the whole album with the white-hot fiery passion of a thousand Christmas lights.
• Sou Gan, the Night Heron Consort. I discovered the Night Heron Consort while on a visit to Monticello, Thomas Jefferson's home in Charlottesville, VA, a few years ago. It was the Christmas season, and the Monticello gift shop suckered me in by playing a NHC CD as I ducked through. NHC is a little-known, pared-down Celtic group, and their Celtic Celebration 1 CD remains my all-time favorite Christmas CD of all time. So this year, I bought Celtic Celebration 2, which features more simple, elegant celtic arrangements of familiar carols and Celtic classics. "Sou Gan," from number 2, is an old Welsh lullaby. But the CD features plenty of well-known fare, including a lovely version of "The First Noel."
• The Coventry Carol, Mediaeval Baebes. Generally, the Mediaeval Baebes annoy me, not in small part because of their insistence hawking their baebe-ishness to sell albums instead of their musical talent. But this haunting a capella version of one of my favorite carols redeemed them for me. The only thing that keeps this one from being perfect are the random trilled Rs, i.e
"Herod the king, in his rrrrrrrraging...."
• Song for a Winter's Night, by Sarah McLachlan. If you're prone to the holiday blues, you might want to stay away from McLachlan's new "Wintersong" album, which is infused with so much of her trademark melancholy, you may just want to throw yourself under a Toys for Tots van after listening to the whole thing. Her cover of Joni Mitchell's "River," while lovely, is pretty much the musical equivalent of having an icy wet blanket dropped on your holiday-spirit-filled head. But I'll always have a soft spot for "Song for a Winter's Night," which does a fab job of conjuring up the feeling of being cozy in a warm house by a fire while it's snowing like mad outside.
• "Do They Know It's Christmas?" Band-Aid. Another year has gone by, and time has not diminished my mortifying love for this craptacular song. Just as a reminder, here's what I said about it last year, which, sadly, still applies:
It's pedestrian, politically incorrect, and factually incorrect as well (seeing as the freaking NILE flows through Ethiopia, thereby making the lyric "no rain nor river flows" wrong). Also, seeing as Christianity is one of the two main religions of the country, of course they knew it was Christmas. A more appropriate title might have been "Do They Give a Rat's Ass That It's Christmas, Because There's a FAMINE Going On?" And the whole manner of referring to the people of Ethiopia as "them" and "the other one" always felt weirdly condescending to me.
But somehow, some way, I manage to ignore all of this whenever that blasted song comes on the radio, and I start belting out "FEEEEEEEED THE WOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRLD!!" along with Duran Duran, Boy George, George Michael, Phil Collins, et al. There it is--I love this song. I. Love. This. Horrible. Song. It puts me in a Christmas-y mood every year.
I'm so ashamed.
Any good holiday music recommendations? (Not like I need any more holiday music, but I thought I'd ask....)
Saturday, October 21, 2006
My Life's Movie Soundtrack
When my friend Rich decides to do a meme, it's usually a good one. He didn't disappoint this time--enjoy...
My life's movie soundtrack!
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...
Opening Credits:
"Same," Snow Patrol. This is appropriate since I was born in a nastyass blizzard in northern Wisconsin. I'm not sure if this is the one that buried my mom and dad's house (poor Mom--this is what she moved to from Honduras), but allegedly it was a bad one. (Oh, and yes, there is a northern Wisconsin, and it is even more prone to nastyass blizzards than southern Wisconsin.) Anyway, the opening lyrics are, "Maybe somewhere else/ Will not be half as cold as me...."
And here's the second verse: "Hold me in your freezing arms before we have to go/ Bent a little but it's not because I know the truth/ The windsheild of your little car is frosted through the glass/ The clear heart of air appears as we shiver on the seats"
Poor baby Tracy....
Waking Up:
"Taking Over Me," Evanescence. I'm not sure what a song about obsessive love has to do with being a baby, but perhaps I was a clingy child....
First Day At School:
”Wellington's Victory, Op. 91, "Victory Finale," Beethoven (Baby Einstein version). I wonder whether Maggie's music on my iPod should count for this exercise. Oh, well, it says not to cheat, and Baby Einstein music is appropriate for childhood. Now if it turns up later, say when I get married....
Falling In Love:
"Voodoo Games," Daughter Darling. As long as this is not supposed to be with Jose, this is probably fine, because a) it's a dark, depressing, melodramatic song (Your voodoo games/ I cannot take/ Insanity, control and hate/ I want you to/ Just let me be), and b) I was a bit of a drama queen when I was young.
Fight Song:
"Can You Feel the Love Tonight?" The Lion King Musical Soundtrack. Why such a weenie fight song? Because I am a pacifist and don't like violence, that's why.
Breaking Up:
"Even Flow," Pearl Jam. What breaking up has to do with a homeless, illiterate, and slightly crazy man, I have no idea. Unless my iPod is trying to describe one of my exes in an attempt to tell me I am better off without him. (Not that this is an issue, iPod. But thanks for the reinforcement.)
Prom:
"Vittoria!" Verdi (triumphal march from "Aida") OperaBabes. Of COURSE the most embarrassing elements from my collection would come flying out. Anyway, why was prom triumphant? Because my nerdy band-and-drama-geek self actually had a date? Maybe that's it....
Life Is Good:
"Killer (Orbit Remix)," Seal. Despite the misleading title, "Killer" is actually quite the happy song, and the bouncy Orbit Remix makes it even happier. It's all about overcoming negative events and living our lives "they way we want to be." This is because Seal is an even bigger pacifist hippie than I am.
Mental Breakdown:
"Represent, Cuba," Orishas feat. Heather Headley. OK, this is all wrong. This one is just about dancing to Cuban music. Maybe my mental breakdowns are all centered around Jose (the world's only Cuban boy with zero rhythm).
Driving:
”Wow," Snow Patrol. Umpteen bajillion songs on my iPod, and it keeps coming back to Snow Patrol. It is about hitting the road ("Don't be scared of anything at all/ Everything we have is all we need"), so it works, sort of.
Flashback:
"Love's Divine (Deepsky Remix)," Seal. What? I broke up with a homeless, illiterate, slightly crazy man, and now you're telling me that in a flashback, Love's Divine?! Now you're just messing with me, iPod, and I don't like it. Not one bit. I'm half-tempted to trade you in for a flashy new 80 GB model with a video screen, that's how much I am NOT enjoying your sense of humor....
Getting Back Together:
"You Live On in My Heart," Ennio Morricone (from the soundtrack to Cinema Paradiso), OperaBabes. OK, so my life so far is in a Snow Patrol, Seal, and OperaBabes rut. Since Jose and I never broke up and got back together, I can only assume it's the homeless, illiterate, and slightly crazy man I dated who lives on in my heart.
Wedding:
"Benediction and Dream," Lila Downs (opening song from the soundtrack to Frida). This totally works! There, honey, even iPod says we're meant to be, despite the homeless man in my heart. I'm so glad we didn't get Nirvana's "Dumb" or something like that.
Paying The Dues:
"Stolen Car (Take Me Dancing)," Sting. Well, I've never stolen a car, and I've never had an affair with a married man, but perhaps my iPod is being metaphorical. Although given Jose's tragic lack of rhythm, perhaps these lyrics are appropriate: "Please take me dancing tonight/ I've been all on my own/ You promised one day we could/ S'what you said on the phone." Because never going dancing is the price you pay for marrying the world's only Cuban boy without rhythm.
The Night Before The War:
"Tourniquet," by Evanescence. Seems appropriate, considering there's a war.
Final Battle:
"Mahna Mahna," Cake. Yes, it's THAT Mahna Mahna, the one you saw on the Muppet Show in days of yore. I'm not sure what this means, unless I'm destined to get into a scat war with a muppet, but it's pretty darn funny.
Moment of Triumph:
"Love's Divine" (again, but the real version, not the remix), Seal. Looks like I get the best of the muppet.
Death Scene:
"Weep No More, Sad Fountains," Sting with Edin Karamazov on the lute. You know, this is horribly appropriate for a death scene. Well played, iPod.
Funeral Song:
"Cry Me a River," Justin Timberlake. BWAH-HAHAHAHAHAHA! This is so TOTALLY going to be my funeral song! And I want the pallbearers to stop and vogue every time JT goes, "HIM!" in that awesome falsetto. I am so loving this! iPod, you are a genius. "OH! The damage is done, so I guess I be leaving...."
End Credits:
"The Taming of Smeagol," London Philharmonic. Despite the slightly offensive title (not sure what I have to do with a bug-eyed hairless man who eats raw fish, iPod), the song does have a nice elegiac quality to it. I left shuffle on, and iPod ended with the acoustic version of "Everybody Wants to Rule the World," by Tears for Fears and then inexplicably stopped shuffling. So I'm thinking my end credits are long enough for two songs, and this song is a good one for al fin.
OK, your turn. Have fun!
My life's movie soundtrack!
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...
Opening Credits:
"Same," Snow Patrol. This is appropriate since I was born in a nastyass blizzard in northern Wisconsin. I'm not sure if this is the one that buried my mom and dad's house (poor Mom--this is what she moved to from Honduras), but allegedly it was a bad one. (Oh, and yes, there is a northern Wisconsin, and it is even more prone to nastyass blizzards than southern Wisconsin.) Anyway, the opening lyrics are, "Maybe somewhere else/ Will not be half as cold as me...."
And here's the second verse: "Hold me in your freezing arms before we have to go/ Bent a little but it's not because I know the truth/ The windsheild of your little car is frosted through the glass/ The clear heart of air appears as we shiver on the seats"
Poor baby Tracy....
Waking Up:
"Taking Over Me," Evanescence. I'm not sure what a song about obsessive love has to do with being a baby, but perhaps I was a clingy child....
First Day At School:
”Wellington's Victory, Op. 91, "Victory Finale," Beethoven (Baby Einstein version). I wonder whether Maggie's music on my iPod should count for this exercise. Oh, well, it says not to cheat, and Baby Einstein music is appropriate for childhood. Now if it turns up later, say when I get married....
Falling In Love:
"Voodoo Games," Daughter Darling. As long as this is not supposed to be with Jose, this is probably fine, because a) it's a dark, depressing, melodramatic song (Your voodoo games/ I cannot take/ Insanity, control and hate/ I want you to/ Just let me be), and b) I was a bit of a drama queen when I was young.
Fight Song:
"Can You Feel the Love Tonight?" The Lion King Musical Soundtrack. Why such a weenie fight song? Because I am a pacifist and don't like violence, that's why.
Breaking Up:
"Even Flow," Pearl Jam. What breaking up has to do with a homeless, illiterate, and slightly crazy man, I have no idea. Unless my iPod is trying to describe one of my exes in an attempt to tell me I am better off without him. (Not that this is an issue, iPod. But thanks for the reinforcement.)
Prom:
"Vittoria!" Verdi (triumphal march from "Aida") OperaBabes. Of COURSE the most embarrassing elements from my collection would come flying out. Anyway, why was prom triumphant? Because my nerdy band-and-drama-geek self actually had a date? Maybe that's it....
Life Is Good:
"Killer (Orbit Remix)," Seal. Despite the misleading title, "Killer" is actually quite the happy song, and the bouncy Orbit Remix makes it even happier. It's all about overcoming negative events and living our lives "they way we want to be." This is because Seal is an even bigger pacifist hippie than I am.
Mental Breakdown:
"Represent, Cuba," Orishas feat. Heather Headley. OK, this is all wrong. This one is just about dancing to Cuban music. Maybe my mental breakdowns are all centered around Jose (the world's only Cuban boy with zero rhythm).
Driving:
”Wow," Snow Patrol. Umpteen bajillion songs on my iPod, and it keeps coming back to Snow Patrol. It is about hitting the road ("Don't be scared of anything at all/ Everything we have is all we need"), so it works, sort of.
Flashback:
"Love's Divine (Deepsky Remix)," Seal. What? I broke up with a homeless, illiterate, slightly crazy man, and now you're telling me that in a flashback, Love's Divine?! Now you're just messing with me, iPod, and I don't like it. Not one bit. I'm half-tempted to trade you in for a flashy new 80 GB model with a video screen, that's how much I am NOT enjoying your sense of humor....
Getting Back Together:
"You Live On in My Heart," Ennio Morricone (from the soundtrack to Cinema Paradiso), OperaBabes. OK, so my life so far is in a Snow Patrol, Seal, and OperaBabes rut. Since Jose and I never broke up and got back together, I can only assume it's the homeless, illiterate, and slightly crazy man I dated who lives on in my heart.
Wedding:
"Benediction and Dream," Lila Downs (opening song from the soundtrack to Frida). This totally works! There, honey, even iPod says we're meant to be, despite the homeless man in my heart. I'm so glad we didn't get Nirvana's "Dumb" or something like that.
Paying The Dues:
"Stolen Car (Take Me Dancing)," Sting. Well, I've never stolen a car, and I've never had an affair with a married man, but perhaps my iPod is being metaphorical. Although given Jose's tragic lack of rhythm, perhaps these lyrics are appropriate: "Please take me dancing tonight/ I've been all on my own/ You promised one day we could/ S'what you said on the phone." Because never going dancing is the price you pay for marrying the world's only Cuban boy without rhythm.
The Night Before The War:
"Tourniquet," by Evanescence. Seems appropriate, considering there's a war.
Final Battle:
"Mahna Mahna," Cake. Yes, it's THAT Mahna Mahna, the one you saw on the Muppet Show in days of yore. I'm not sure what this means, unless I'm destined to get into a scat war with a muppet, but it's pretty darn funny.
Moment of Triumph:
"Love's Divine" (again, but the real version, not the remix), Seal. Looks like I get the best of the muppet.
Death Scene:
"Weep No More, Sad Fountains," Sting with Edin Karamazov on the lute. You know, this is horribly appropriate for a death scene. Well played, iPod.
Funeral Song:
"Cry Me a River," Justin Timberlake. BWAH-HAHAHAHAHAHA! This is so TOTALLY going to be my funeral song! And I want the pallbearers to stop and vogue every time JT goes, "HIM!" in that awesome falsetto. I am so loving this! iPod, you are a genius. "OH! The damage is done, so I guess I be leaving...."
End Credits:
"The Taming of Smeagol," London Philharmonic. Despite the slightly offensive title (not sure what I have to do with a bug-eyed hairless man who eats raw fish, iPod), the song does have a nice elegiac quality to it. I left shuffle on, and iPod ended with the acoustic version of "Everybody Wants to Rule the World," by Tears for Fears and then inexplicably stopped shuffling. So I'm thinking my end credits are long enough for two songs, and this song is a good one for al fin.
OK, your turn. Have fun!
Friday, October 06, 2006
The Psychology of Car Color
So I found this interesting article on AOL--which was quoted from the “Fun at Work” blog by Robin Thompson who quoted from an article in the June 20th 2005 edition of the Register-Herald in Beckley, West Virginia ... Oh, wait. I'm looking at the article again, and it said it got it's information from ColorMatters.com. PEOPLE! Stop it. Just stop.
Anyway, according to whomever, a UK study by an unidentified source (ARGH! ARGH!) noted that there are distinct characteristics common to people who choose certain colors for their cars. I'm always game for a cheap personality test, so I, of course, glommed right onto it.
I tend to stick to two colors when it comes to cars--red or, if red isn't available, black. I also love British racing green, but I've never been able to afford a car that looks awesome in that color. Or even comes in that color. My beloved Scion XB now comes in a shockingly acidic shade of lime, but no racing green.
So it was interesting to see that this study (which I could go dig up, but I'm feeling too lazy) showed that "the most dangerous drivers" tend to drive black cars. They allegedly have an aggressive personality or are someone who's a rebel.
I think I'm a pretty good driver. I can be a little aggressive, but only in that I shout at other drivers when I'm alone in the car, or when they nearly kill me and mine. Which, in my current home city, is more often than any place I've ever been. But when it comes to my driving, I like to keep things nice and safe. Rebel? Maybe a bit.... OK, maybe more than a bit, in some ways, but it's not like I've pierced my entire face and am running around with magenta hair or anything. But, according to this study, black car=aggressive, rebellious crazy person.
The second most dangerous drivers tend to drive silver cars. (My grandparents have always, and I mean, ALWAYS driven silver cars, generally with maroon interiors.) Silver car drivers are "calm, cool, and aloof. (Except in the case of my grandparents who are indeed calm, but not cool (in an icy way), and DEFINITELY not aloof.) So basically, silver car=serial killer.
Green cars represent eco-friendliness and life, though these drivers may choose their green car to manifest severe jealousy, inexperience, and hysterical tendencies. Green=needy whack job who recycles.
Yellow "is sunshine and denotes a happy person," but also is the color of cowardice and deceit. However, yellow cars can be idealistic and novelty loving. So, yellow=pathological liar disguised as happy idealist.
Apparently, the only good people in the world drive blue cars. Blue represents strength, steadfastness, and friendliness. People in blue cars are more introspective and cautious. Blue=friendly.
Oh, wait, good people drive gray cars as well. Gray car drivers are calm, sober, dedicated to their work, and seldom show strong emotion. Gray=boring.
My absolute favorite car color, red, "is Cupid and the devil." (I'm not kidding--that's what it says.) People in red cars are full of zest, energy, and drive. They think, move, and talk quickly. SO red car=fun, energetic person OR the devil. (Heh.)
Pink cars are driven by gentle, loving, and affectionate drives. Pink=sweet person or Mary Kay saleswoman.
White is my father's favorite car color. White represents cleanliness, purity, and innocence. (I can hear Dad snorting now.) White car drivers are the second safest on the road, and they are also status-seeking extroverts. (Dad's neither status-seeking nor the most extroverted person in the world. He and I are quite alike--we're introverts who can fake being extroverted until we're genuinely comfortable.) So white=extroverted snob.
The safest drivers allegedly choose cream-colored cars. These drivers are "contained and self-controlled." Cream=REALLY boring.
Basically, I think someone in the UK just drives a blue car and hates everyone else. But for your amusement, I thought I'd share....
Anyway, according to whomever, a UK study by an unidentified source (ARGH! ARGH!) noted that there are distinct characteristics common to people who choose certain colors for their cars. I'm always game for a cheap personality test, so I, of course, glommed right onto it.
I tend to stick to two colors when it comes to cars--red or, if red isn't available, black. I also love British racing green, but I've never been able to afford a car that looks awesome in that color. Or even comes in that color. My beloved Scion XB now comes in a shockingly acidic shade of lime, but no racing green.
So it was interesting to see that this study (which I could go dig up, but I'm feeling too lazy) showed that "the most dangerous drivers" tend to drive black cars. They allegedly have an aggressive personality or are someone who's a rebel.
I think I'm a pretty good driver. I can be a little aggressive, but only in that I shout at other drivers when I'm alone in the car, or when they nearly kill me and mine. Which, in my current home city, is more often than any place I've ever been. But when it comes to my driving, I like to keep things nice and safe. Rebel? Maybe a bit.... OK, maybe more than a bit, in some ways, but it's not like I've pierced my entire face and am running around with magenta hair or anything. But, according to this study, black car=aggressive, rebellious crazy person.
The second most dangerous drivers tend to drive silver cars. (My grandparents have always, and I mean, ALWAYS driven silver cars, generally with maroon interiors.) Silver car drivers are "calm, cool, and aloof. (Except in the case of my grandparents who are indeed calm, but not cool (in an icy way), and DEFINITELY not aloof.) So basically, silver car=serial killer.
Green cars represent eco-friendliness and life, though these drivers may choose their green car to manifest severe jealousy, inexperience, and hysterical tendencies. Green=needy whack job who recycles.
Yellow "is sunshine and denotes a happy person," but also is the color of cowardice and deceit. However, yellow cars can be idealistic and novelty loving. So, yellow=pathological liar disguised as happy idealist.
Apparently, the only good people in the world drive blue cars. Blue represents strength, steadfastness, and friendliness. People in blue cars are more introspective and cautious. Blue=friendly.
Oh, wait, good people drive gray cars as well. Gray car drivers are calm, sober, dedicated to their work, and seldom show strong emotion. Gray=boring.
My absolute favorite car color, red, "is Cupid and the devil." (I'm not kidding--that's what it says.) People in red cars are full of zest, energy, and drive. They think, move, and talk quickly. SO red car=fun, energetic person OR the devil. (Heh.)
Pink cars are driven by gentle, loving, and affectionate drives. Pink=sweet person or Mary Kay saleswoman.
White is my father's favorite car color. White represents cleanliness, purity, and innocence. (I can hear Dad snorting now.) White car drivers are the second safest on the road, and they are also status-seeking extroverts. (Dad's neither status-seeking nor the most extroverted person in the world. He and I are quite alike--we're introverts who can fake being extroverted until we're genuinely comfortable.) So white=extroverted snob.
The safest drivers allegedly choose cream-colored cars. These drivers are "contained and self-controlled." Cream=REALLY boring.
Basically, I think someone in the UK just drives a blue car and hates everyone else. But for your amusement, I thought I'd share....
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
And There Was Much Rejoicing...
My book's turned in,
My work is done,
It's been five months since I've had some fun.
My kids and I should hit the road,
If re-reading doesn't make my head explode.
And there you have solid evidence of two things:
1) I suck at poetry. Even purposefully bad poetry.
2) I should never blog when I've had six hours of sleep in three days. Punnnnnnchyyyyyyyyyyy.
In celebration of my turning in the biggest piece of dreck known to humankind (I'm told I always feel this way about my books when I first finish them. But this time, I'm not kidding. Seriously, Sharron.), here are five things I am going to with the rest of my week, in addition to wrapping up some stuff with my day job:
1) Call or email all friends I have alienated by ignoring due to nightmarish book deadline piled on top of nightmarish work deadlines piled on top of repeated attempts not to be the Worst. Mother. Evah;
2) Excavate my house from under giant pile of abandoned goldfish crackers, tacky catalogs, and plastic grocery store bags that have accumulated in the last two weeks;
3) Watch and return the NetFlix DVDs I've had since, oh, the beginning of time, I think;
4) Call all friends who are on deadline and cackle manically into the phone, then hang up;
5) Create health-food regimen to detox from week-long diet consisting solely of Diet Coke and Veggie Tales Fruit Gummies.
And now I'm off to bed. Blissful, deadline-free, lovely bed. Good night, Minneapolis! (Or wherever you are.)
My work is done,
It's been five months since I've had some fun.
My kids and I should hit the road,
If re-reading doesn't make my head explode.
And there you have solid evidence of two things:
1) I suck at poetry. Even purposefully bad poetry.
2) I should never blog when I've had six hours of sleep in three days. Punnnnnnchyyyyyyyyyyy.
In celebration of my turning in the biggest piece of dreck known to humankind (I'm told I always feel this way about my books when I first finish them. But this time, I'm not kidding. Seriously, Sharron.), here are five things I am going to with the rest of my week, in addition to wrapping up some stuff with my day job:
1) Call or email all friends I have alienated by ignoring due to nightmarish book deadline piled on top of nightmarish work deadlines piled on top of repeated attempts not to be the Worst. Mother. Evah;
2) Excavate my house from under giant pile of abandoned goldfish crackers, tacky catalogs, and plastic grocery store bags that have accumulated in the last two weeks;
3) Watch and return the NetFlix DVDs I've had since, oh, the beginning of time, I think;
4) Call all friends who are on deadline and cackle manically into the phone, then hang up;
5) Create health-food regimen to detox from week-long diet consisting solely of Diet Coke and Veggie Tales Fruit Gummies.
And now I'm off to bed. Blissful, deadline-free, lovely bed. Good night, Minneapolis! (Or wherever you are.)
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About Me
- Tracy Montoya
- Tracy Montoya writes romantic suspense for Harlequin Intrigue.