Wednesday, December 06, 2006

The First Annual Academy Awards That Need to Be Revoked List

A plague has visited the house of Fernandez (real name alert!) this week, and it's so not pretty. I hauled Maggie to the ER last night at 2 am-ish due to severe coughing/vomiting, and the poor thing was diagnosed with croup and pink eye in both eyes. Marin, the original pink-eyed lady, has been sick since the Monday before Thanksgiving, and two nights ago woke up with her entire face crusted over like something from the X-Files. We're off to our third visit to the doctor this morning.

Of course, I'm glad things aren't worse, but it's still heartbreaking to see them both feeling so awful. Curse you, cold and flu and crusty face season!

Anyway, in a random and completely unrelated subject change, my youngest brother Troy and I had a hilarious discussion a few weeks ago about people whose Academy Awards should be revoked. We have tried to recapture the hilarity of the original below. Enjoy!

TRACY: It's Oscar season, and the craptacular end-of-summer film blahs give way to more cerebral and effects-laden fare, as movie producers start courting the Hollywood Academy for award nominations.

However, it is the opinion of myself and my brother and pop culture freak Troy that certain individuals have been smiled upon by the Academy when they ought to have been spit upon, chewed up into little pieces, and drop-kicked right over to the Razzies. So, in an effort to right past wrongs, we hereby publish our esteemed list of Academy Awards that Need to be Revoked.

The Best Actor field isn't filled with easy targets like, say, Best Supporting Actress (see below), but the Academy's streak of excellent judgment (Gregory Peck in To Kill a Mockingbird, anyone?) ended in 1978, when Richard Dreyfus won for The Goodbye Girl.

No, I've never seen the film (though I've seen too many others, including that sugar-shock fest, Mr. Holland's Opus), and no, I don't care if anyone thinks he is a good actor. It is my expert opinion that he is annoying and has a cheesy mustache.

After '78, Oscar gets back on track with a list of considerable talent earning the Best Actor nod, from Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino to Dustin Hoffman and Ben Kingsley. And then it all just goes to hell when Nicholas Cage, that nasal, overacting hack, snagged the award for Leaving Las Vegas. If I see that man clench his fist and inhale through his teeth one more time in a movie, I think my head will explode. Ugh.

TROY: I agree with pretty much everything here. I think Nicholas Cage's award has to be taken away from him twice and then used to bash him over the head for the monstrousity known as Ghost Rider that is being released in 2007.

TRACY: I would have noted that it's a little premature to be hating on Ghost Rider, but seeing as Nicholas Cage hasn't surprised anyone with a performance in years :::clench fist, inhale through teeth, bug out eyes::::, I'd have to agree.

TROY: I HATE that Jamie Foxx was so good in Ray. His ego (and Kanye West's for that matter) needs to be deflated faster than you can say "Booty Call."

TRACY: I loved him in Ray. You're right about the ego, though. HUGE!

TROY: Additionally, I AM swiping away Roberto Benigni's Oscar for being a one hit wonder and super creepy.

TRACY: Boo! He made me laugh with all of his chair jumping and wanting to make love to the entire Oscar audience. Sure, I wouldn't want to sit next to him on an airplane, but from a couple thousand miles away through my TV screen, he's entertaining!

IMHO, everyone else in this category pretty much deserved their award, though it's a shame we had to wait until 2001 for Denzel to join Sidney Poitier as an African-American winner. And where are the Latinos? Surely someone, somewhere, gave a moving performance as a janitor, gangbanger, or pool boy? Edward James Olmos, you've been robbed!

Here, again, the Academy did pretty well, until the streak comes to a grinding halt with Helen Hunt in As Good as It Gets.

TROY: SWIPE to Helen Hunt because she looks so much like Leelee Sobieski. Giving her an award is like giving it to geek girl (most annoying actress EVAH!) And does Helen Hunt have lips?

TRACY: Agreed. Leelee Sobieski is the human equivalent of tinnitus, so we'd have to swipe it just on those grounds. But Helen Hunt's overacting whenever she has some sort of romantic soliloquy (i.e. end of Castaway and What Women Want) makes me want to swipe her Oscar AND give it collectively to the actors in a purposely over-the-top Mexican soap opera, like La Madrastra.

The Helen Hunt debacle was followed the next year by Gwyneth Paltrow in Shakespeare in Love. Now, she may have been misquoted in saying that the UK is more civilized than the US, but all signs point to Ms. Fish Stick as being someone who sucks the fun out of, oh, everything. Funsucker!

TROY: SWIPE to Julia Roberts for never being able to close her mouth.

TRACY: I'd revoke Julia Roberts' Oscar, too, just because she stole that poor woman's husband and then started calling herself Mrs. Danny Moder. What's that? Do I hear 1957 calling to get it's method of address back?

And then there's the sensitive question of what to do about Halle Berry? I loved her performance in Monster's Ball, and I was a big sobbing mess during her Oscar speech, (shameful that it took that many years for THAT door to be opened, to paraphrase). But she must never, ever, EVER star in another superhero movie again. The Incredible Disappearing Accent in the X-Men films made my head hurt.

TROY: Halle Berry blows. She made Catwoman and stunk up the X-Men franchise, annihilating two beloved comic book characters. Plus, to coin from you, Lamest. Bond. Girl. EVAH! And she has a Razzie. Kiss Oscar goodbye!

TRACY: Whoa. Troy's getting nasty, y'all. OK, let's swipe her Oscar and give it to Angela Bassett, who both rocks (AMAZING in everything she's in, esp. What's Love Got to Do With It) and has not butchered a comic book character. That way, the door can stay open, and I can pretend that Angela gave the moving Oscar speech.

TROY: I also was thinking about giving props to Angela Bassett, so you read my mind!

I revoke Joe Pesci's Oscar on the basis that anyone who talks through his nose should not be recognized for speaking/acting ability. Ever.

TROY: I also swipe Martin Landau's for being a crabby old man.

TRACY: Hey, I like his crabby old man schtick! But OK.

Here's a painful one: As much as I ADORED his performance as Rod Tidwell in Jerry Macguire, I think we have to revoke Cuba Gooding Jr's Oscar due to the gross amount of sheer crap he's inflicted on us since. Cuba, all it takes is one more excellent performance in a decent, well-written film, and you can have your little gold statue back!

TROY: Cuba sealed his fate when he made Boat Trip. It was a great moment when he accepted his Oscar, but he couldn't back up the promise of his talent. Now he's the king of Direct-to-DVD films. Call up Quentin Tarantino and make a comeback!

TRACY: Totally. We're pulling for you, Cuba!


TRACY: I just have to say that I always find it a little disturbing whenever you decide to channel Tyra Banks, but that was wholly appropriate.

Also, I'd give George Clooney another Oscar for being hot AND having a conscience without having to be brainwashed by Angelina Jolie.

TROY: Double awards to Michael Caine for being so awesome.

TRACY: Word.

Here's where the Oscars are ripe for the taking.

First order of business, I'll give Helen Hunt's Oscar to Rita Moreno for being one of the lone Latinos on the Oscar acting list and NOT playing a gangbanger, maid, pool girl, or ho. Stupid Academy. Stupid casting directors.

TROY: Until, J.LO wins an Oscar one of these days !

TRACY: It could happen! J.Lo, despite rumors of diva behavior and morphing based on whichever dude she's married to at the moment, is a good actress.

Oh, I just realized. My girl Rita Moreno was a gangbanger's girlfriend in West Side Story. Whatever, it was a cool part, and she was badass. "A boy like thaaaaaaat, who killed your brother!"

TROY: Moving on....

TRACY: "Forget that boy, and FIND ANOTHER!"

TROY: Still moving on....

TRACY: Funsucker.

We need to also take away Mary Steenburgen's 1980 Oscar for Melvin and Howard (what?) away based on the Pesci-Cage talking-through-your-nose rule. ("A boy who killlllllllsssss, cannot LOVE!")

TROY: (Stop it.) In addition to her vacant stare, she's super boring! Talking about her, puts me t...ZZZzzzZZZzZZZZZZzzzZZZ...I mean, SWIPE!

TRACY: And then there's Geena Davis, who needs her Accidental Tourist award swiped both for the film being bad, for talking like a space cadet, and for being the same googly-eyed weirdo in every film she's in. You can't get an award for being the same person in every film you're in! That's not right!

TROY: SWIPE! You can't forget that monotonous man voice, slouchy posture, and bad choices in film (Cutthroat Island?) AND television (I really do NOT want to see her as the president, thank you). Someone needs to be banished from Hollywood!

TRACY: I swipe Anna Paquin's award for The Piano because she was annoying in the film and continues to annoy as an adult.

TROY: And she ruined Rogue. And she has a stupid mousey voice. And bad teeth. Bleh. SWIPE!

TRACY: Totally giving that one to Dakota Fanning, who is not annoying and knows how to dress like the precocious and delightful little girl she is. (However, if you ho it up when you hit Lindsay Lohan-age, Dakota, I'm coming for you!)

I also swipe Dianne Wiest's award for Bullets Over Broadway, again invoking the Pesci-Cade nose-talking rule.

TROY: Awww, I don't mind Dianne Wiest. She seems like a nice lady. I'm indifferent.

TRACY: OK, she's my Martin Landau. SWIPE!

And I swipe Mira Sorvino's award, invoking the Cuba Gooding Jr. everything-you've-made-since-is-dreck rule.

TROY: But, she was in Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion! Eh...I guess that's it though.

TRACY: I fail to see how that exempts her from the rule stated above.

TROY: Poor Mira Sorvino. Swipe!

You can't forget Dame Judi Dench's award, because EIGHT MINUTES? That's a slap in the face to the other nominees!

TRACY: Yes, but she's divine. Oh, OK. Let's give that one to Helen Mirren, another actress from across the water who is fabulous.

And now, I swipe Kim Basinger's for being a ho in most films she's in.

TROY: What about that empowering role in 8 Mile? SWIPE!

TRACY: I swipe Angelina Jolie's because she has to get naked in every film she's in, regardless of whether it's relevant to the plot or not. No one needs to see all that all the time, Jolie, no matter how perfect it is.

TROY: I'll let you swipe Sexy Jolie's, only because I hope that one day her and Jennifer Aniston are both nominated at the same time, ending with Jolie winning her second Oscar. It would be glorious!

TRACY: So mean!

TROY: I would also like to swipe Rachel Weisz's award, not because she was bad or anything, but because Michelle Williams and Amy Adams were amazing.

TRACY: Poor Rachel. I swipe Marcia Gay Harden's because she's obnoxious and has a prissy little smile. You can explain why--take it away, Troy!

TROY: Give Marcia Gay Harden's award back to Kate Hudson, who everyone expected to win that year for Almost Famous. Hudson probably had her acceptance speech all set, only to be usurped by Marcia Prissy Pants who, with her smug face, proclaimed, "Despite what everyone said, I KNEW I would win!" Ick. I think that losing an almost guaranteed award drove Kate Hudson to insanity, resulting in her horrible choice in movies as of late.

TRACY: And finally, I swipe Renee Zellweger's because she's bat-crap crazy.

TROY: But a good actress! And if she keeps getting praise, she'll stick around in Hollywood and we can laugh at her!

TRACY: Batcrapcrazy.

TROY: Any of these actresses need to give their award to Julianne Moore. Four nominations and no award? Snap!

TRACY: Agreed! Love her!

TROY: And I just have to end with a link to this video, which is all kinds of awesome.

TRACY: (That would be "George Lucas Does Singing in the Rain.") I see the family penchant for non-sequiturs is still intact. EGG-cellent.


Anonymous said...

You two are so lethally funny when put together. You crack me up!! And, might I suggest a better name for the Richard Dreyfus mustache..."Molester Mustache". Seriously, all he needs is a van with tinted windows.

Anonymous said...

You guys are too funny! What a great list. I like Halle...but its sad what she did to Storm and whats even worse is Angela Bassett could've sliced, diced, and rocked that role! Anybody want to make a list for "Comic Book roles that need to be revoked and given to Angela" list??

MaryF said...

Aww, I liked Anna Paquin as Rogue.

Cathy in AK said...

OMG, I'm busting a gut! Too freakin' funny. I'll certainly be watching movies with a "WWT&TS?"* bent from now on.

*What Would Tracy & Troy Say?

Tracy Montoya said...

LOLOLOL!!!! Sharron, the molester mustache thing is PERFECT!

Tracy Montoya said...

Hey, welcome, Simonique! I think we could safely give just about any comic book character to Angela and she would've rocked the free world. She's awesome.

But first and foremost, I would start with Storm. UGH!

Tracy Montoya said...

Sorry, Mary!

Tracy Montoya said...

Thanks for showing my little brother some love, Cathy! : D He loves comments.

Anonymous said...

I just read that Nick Cage is cutting back on acting. Somehow, I don't think that's a bad thing...

:::clench fist, inhale through teeth, bug out eyes::::

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Tracy Montoya writes romantic suspense for Harlequin Intrigue.

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