Tuesday, December 12, 2006

I am terrified of this doll.

My mother hates, and I mean HATES the Bratz dolls. Pretty much nothing in this world can inspire a bilingual harangue from Mom like the sight of one of those pillow-lipped, wall-eyed, overly mascara-ed answers to the Barbie doll, i.e. ":::Spanish muttering::: I HATE Bratz dolls! Those dolls look like HOOKERS! How could any parent BUY their child those trashy things? :::more Spanish muttering:::"

Apparently, hooker dolls sell well, though. Not to be outdone, Mattel has modified Barbie into a truly horrific Bratz-like incarnation called My Scene Barbie. And new for the holiday season, they've now come out with the Fab Faces My Scene Barbie, featuring: "innovative, one-of-a-kind movable face feature that allows girls to create five different expressions on the dolls' faces!" As well as "a super glam, ultra stylish lace and glitter dress!" And "accessories no diva can live without--a furry boa, a sparkling tiara, and glittering jewelry!"

FYI, the exclamation point overload is courtesy of Mattel. For real.

Anyway, I saw one of the Fab Face My Scene Horror Shows on a store shelf the other day, and so I did the only thing a God-fearing mom could do. I shrieked and then started muttering under my breath about how the doll looked like a hooker and how could anyone buy their daughter such a thing. It would have been bilingual had my Spanish been better.

Basically, the thing is a poseable ad for body dysmorphic disorder.

The My Scene Fab Face Barbie is quite possibly the most horrifying piece of plastic I've ever seen in my life, other than the purple, orange, and yellow glasses I sported in the third grade. Because while the original Barbie was hardly realistically proportioned (legend has it that if you gave a human Barbie's relative measurements, her waist would be too thin to support her torso, and she'd be forced to crawl on all fours), at least her face was somewhere in the realm of normal. Is it possible for a doll to have Botox AND lip collagen? Because this face isn't possible without either. Along with a nice cat-eyed, Jocelyn Wildenstein-esque face lift.

According to the marketing materials, Fab Face My Scene Barbie makes five different expressions. I have taken the liberty of naming them:

1) Ow, I think I burst my stitches.
2) Help. Too. Much. Botox.
3) I am SO 29!
4) But I am smiling!
5) Puh-leeeeeeease will you make me look like Angelina Jolie?

I think I'm going to email the people at AwfulPlasticSurgery.com and tell them to put this damn doll on their site. Because every website needs a mascot.


Mariann said...

Have you seen this one? My spousal unit and I found the doll in the toy section at Target. The front of the package reads "Hop on Top for a Wild Ride."

Needless to say, riding a horse was not what we first thought after reading that tagline.

Tracy Montoya said...

ARRRGGGHHH!! That's AWFUL, Mariann. You just know some idiot box designer had too much fun with that, because I don't think anyone would think riding a horse first.

Sick and wrong.

Anonymous said...

Just when I though dolls couldn't get any CREEPIER! EEWWW. That's just wrong. And I loathe Bratz as well. Hate hate hate them.

There used to be another doll like Bratz (not MyScene) that looked like trashy. I mean T.R.A.S.H.Y. Can't remember the name though. Anyone??

Jen said...

I'm totally with your mother on this one. Have you seen the heads? They have Bratz heads to give blue eyeshadow and bling bling. TOTALLY hookerish. I'm sooooooooo grateful that I have boys.
I have no other language to rant in, so I settle for the redneck you-can't-say-that-word-until
-you're-over-eighteen words. That works for me. My mother would tell me to clean up my language however.

Tracy Montoya said...

Sharron, I don't remember. There seem to be a few Bratz knockoffs. At least Bratz look a little cartoony--this one just looks like a carved up mess.

Tracy Montoya said...

Jen, I keep trying to comment on your blog and Blogger won't let me. I have no idea why.

The heads are HUGE! It's insane!

Peter said...

I'm so guilty on this one. This year we participated in the letters to santa program here in Chicago where kids from schools in less affluent areas write a letter to santa and you sign up to get them what they ask for.

The little girl we signed up to buy for was just desperate to have the Bratz Fashion Makeover. I dutifully went ahead and bought the strumpet-y, ugly little thing. Is there any redeeming quality to the fact that she can at least style its hair (perhaps in a prudish bob or Mamie Eisenhower perm)?

I also bought her some Hello Kitty sneakers that might just match your new Christmas pajamas.

Tracy Montoya said...

Ha! I totally would have bought the Bratz doll for her, too, Peter. And I'm sure she's loving it.

Yay to the Hello Kitty sneakers!

Anonymous said...

My teenage daughter and I found this doll and played with her face for ten minutes we laughed until we had tears running down our cheeks we call her "Botox barbie" and I bought her one for her birthday!! She is 17 and loves it.

Tracy Montoya said...

That's hilarious! That's the ONLY way I could see giving this to anyone (unless, like in Peter's case, you're doing an angel tree and an underprivileged child asks for one!).

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Tracy Montoya writes romantic suspense for Harlequin Intrigue.

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