Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Things I'd Like to Forget, 2008 Edition

Ariana Huffington just posted her annual list of things she'd like to forget from 2008 on the Huffington Post. And once again, I thought it was such a spiffy idea, I decided to do my own version (though with much more vapid pop culture content and an attempt at bipartisan political content, out of respect for the fact that I have no clue what the political bents are of the three or four people out there who actually read this blog).

Without further ado and in honor of a new year and a fresh start, here are the things I’d like to forget from last year:

• The aftermath of talented Heath Ledger’s death. Here’s a free clue for everyone out there: When you find your employer unconscious on the floor, for the love of all that is holy, the first person you call should probably be first responders and NOT a random Olsen twin.

• “You can actually see Russia from an island in Alaska.”

• The Hollywood writers’ strike. Seriously, people, paying your writers their fair share should be a no-brainer.

• That the Hollywood writers’ strike almost killed Reaper, one of the smartest, funniest shows on television. And let me just say that it returns as a mid-season replacement on March 17, so please watch it. I’m begging you. I don’t think I can take another Firefly.

• The Anne Hathaway/Steve Carrell and Jim Carrey/Zooey Deschanel makeout sessions in Get Smart and Yes Man, respectively. Eeeeeuw. Harrison Ford can get away with macking on a woman a third of his age. You two gentlement, however, cannot. And yes, Jim Carrey, I know you are wonderful to Jenny McCarthy’s son with autism, which gives you major nice-guy cred but still doesn’t make that scene in your film any less creeptacular.

• The proliferation of extremists calling Democrats “Socialists” and “Communists.” Because, of course, anyone who voted Democrat in the last election obviously wants to give her house to the government and go stand in a bread line. :::mental forehead smack:::
Despite our differences of opinion, I have no doubt that most of us vote the way we do because we want to help create a better world for ourselves and our children. It’s time to inject a little bit of civility back into the elections and stop the ignorant name-calling. On both sides.

• Starting with forgetting about Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachman’s frightening appeal to a new McCarthyism during the 2008 election. “I wish the American media would take a great look at the views of the people in Congress and find out, are they pro-America or anti-America?” Seriously?

• The fact that Bachman won. They can’t redraw that crazy harpy’s district fast enough.

• Everything about John Edwards, from his $400 haircuts, to his conscienceless Playboy-bunny-gone-to-seed mistress, to his cheating on his warm and loving wife who stumped for this pathetic excuse for a human being while DYING of cancer. All of the above earn you the Asshat of the Year Award. And then you are dead to me.

• That Katrina survivors were (and probably still are) living in FEMA trailers well known to be offgassing poisonous formaldehyde.

• Illinois Governor Blagojevich. You, Sir, are the very definition of a sleazeball.

• That Joss Whedon’s new show features Eliza Dushku, who acts about as well as a wilted piece of lettuce. With an egg-shaped head. Ay.

• George Lucas’s apparent determination to crush his cinematic legacy into utter ruin—this time, by employing Shia LeBeouf and a few poorly placed CGI monkeys in the much-beloved Indiana Jones series. Oh, and that whole alien thing.

• That Jolie sociopath.

• OK, I tried to move on, but I can’t let this one go. The Marion Ravenwood we all met in Raiders of the Lost Ark would have kicked Indiana Jones’ boot-ay for burning down her tavern, dropping off the planet for 20 years, and leaving her a single mom in the pre-feminist 30s, 40s, and 50s, where she would have been an automatic social pariah. With all of that emotional baggage, she would NOT have morphed into a grinning Stepford moron right after he threw her a measly bone by calling her “Honey” and DIDN’T APOLOGIZE. Profusely and repeatedly, and at great, verbally self-flagellating length. I think SOMEONE needs a romance writer on his Lucasfilm story development team.
And though it didn’t happen in 2008, Leia’s mother—as in Princess Leia, the gun-toting, self-sacrificing, whipsmart, stoic feminist icon of 1976—would never have “lost the will to live” with two small babies who needed her to protect them from their insane father. Watched Revenge of the Sith the other day with my daughters, and despite all the mental preparation of knowing the ending in advance, still wound up shrieking, “YOU'RE LEIA'S MOTHER! GET UP, you pantywaist!” at the dying Padme on my television set.

• McCain-Palin rally crowds calling out “Terrorist!” and “Kill him!” whenever the candidates made reference to Obama. If you can’t beat the guy on policy or popularity, let’s just call for a good, old-fashioned lynching. Niiiiiice.

• I’ll echo Ariana Huffington on this one: the “thrill” going up Chris Matthews’ leg during his MSNBC election coverage. Ick.

• That Silda Spitzer stood by her man during that painful-to-watch “I slept with a hooker” press conference, instead of smacking him upside the head with a frying pan for all the world to see and telling him to take his undoubtedly herpe-ridden self off her planet.

• Still trying to forget Ann Coulter’s special brand of crazy. Still unsuccessful at it.

• Every creepy picture of Miley Cyrus in existence. With or without her likely felonious boyfriend. Eeeeuw.

• That ridiculous Vanity Fair cover of the Obamas in terrorist gear doing a fist-bump. Yes, I understand it was meant to be satire. Next time, give it a title and make it more obvious for the racist mouthbreathers out there.

• All the racist mouthbreathers out there.

• Especially the guy who said to me when discussing why he didn’t vote, “I didn’t think I was a racist, BUT….”

• The fact that it would have been illegal to hit said guy over the head with a frying pan, so I had to settle for a snarky comeback.

• Joe the plumber—just because through no fault of his own he was as overexposed as those dingbats in the Playboy mansion.

• That we never got to see Tim Russert cover the 2008 presidential election.

• Jennifer Love Spewitt insisting that she was a size two in these photos. First of all, honey, you are no size two in those. You are not fat, but you are not a size two.
Second of all, your desperate grab for media attention by claiming to be a size two (ha.) FEMINIST who is just trying to fight against the “scrutiny of women’s bodies” probably did more harm to impressionable girls with borderline eating disorders across the US than the media idiots who called your most-likely size 8 body “fat.” Now instead of AIMING for a size two or four, these girls mistakenly think they will be deemed gelatinous cows at that miniscule size and are most likely shooting for size double-zeros. Nice job, vapid fame ho.

• That Carrie Underwood was considered fat when she was a size six and hailed for losing enough weight to be a (legitimate) size two. Seriously, people, it’s time to lay off the double zeroes, ones, and twos and start eating something for lunch other than a glass of water and a toothpick. This is getting insane.

• Prop. 8 being voted in in California. Prop. 2 in Florida, sad and intolerant, but kind of expected. Prop. 8—awful and infuriating!

• My stomach-still stretched out from my last pregnancy despite Pilates and crunches, and looking like someone smacked a ball of pizza dough on it. Oh, waist, how I miss you.

• Robert Pattinson’s apparent refusal to wash his hair when he’s not on set. Maybe instead of throwing spray paint or cream pies at him, someone can attack him with a bottle of Suave when he’s not looking.

• Iggy Pop shirtless at the 2008 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony. My eyes! They burn!

• Sarah Jessica Parker’s weird little taxidermified-peacock hat at the Sex and the City premiere. Gutsy, but … no.

• Amy Winehouse having emphysema in her 20s.

• That each one of Suri Cruise’s dresses probably costs more than my annual salary.

• That my retirement accounts now contain less than I’ve put into them over the past decade-plus. I can’t even stand to think about my close-to-retirement parents’ accounts.

• Another Huffington echo: Alan Greenspan’s shock at the economic meltdown. Seriously, dude, of all people to be “shocked….”


• That the NASA and university models showing how fast global warming is progressing didn’t take into account carbon releases from melting permafrost and so we’re in more serious shape than we thought. Scared. Thinking about pop culture again, stat.

• That China had a “pretty” girl lip-synch at the Olympic Opening Ceremonies because the girl who could actually sing was deemed ugly.

• That Dana Torres is four years older than I am and has zero body fat. (Major props to her for the silver medal, though!)

• My stomach, because it’s so annoying, it deserves a second mention.

• Election recounts. Whether they turn out the way I personally want them to or not, they're just stressful.

• That women still make 77 cents per every dollar a man makes doing the same job. (The need for feminism is over, my big, Latina booty.) Tell Congress to pass the Lily Ledbetter Fair Pay Act and the Paycheck Fairness Act today! http://www.momsrisingaction.org/o/1768/campaign.jsp?campaign_KEY=26382

• Pulling my daughters’ newborn feety pajamas out of a drawer last fall and feeling that pang in my heart when I realized how fast they’re growing. Trying not to think about how soon it's going to be before they're past the little-and-cuddly stage….

Anything you’d like to forget?


Cathy in AK said...

Great list, Tracy, and I agree with you on almost every one of them. Almost :)

As a side note, *technically* you can see Russia from Alaska soil. There are a pair of islands in the Bering Strait, the Diomedes, that are only a couple of miles apart. One is ours, the other belongs to Russia. I was briefly on the one on our side during a research cruise many years ago. If their island is anything like the one on our side, I don't think we have anything to worry about security-wise. Really.

Tracy Montoya said...

Hey, Cathy! I have heard about those islands. I just think it's funny that that qualifies as foreign policy experience. Tell you what--I'll come up there and visit the island, and then we can fight over the 2012 VP slot!

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Tracy Montoya writes romantic suspense for Harlequin Intrigue.

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