Friday, March 07, 2008

American Idol: Top 8 Women & Results

TRACY: After a great men's night, the women were still just a little meh. I'm looking forward to the streamlined top 12 next week. Perhaps without the weaker elements, this show will feel more consistently good.

TROY: I thought the women stepped it up this week--from "meh" to "sigh." To be fair, they couldn't compare to the men, who pretty much knocked it out of the park this week (except for YOU, Luke Menard--you still siz-uck).

TRACY: I barely remember A'S'I'A'H EPPERSON's performance because I was too busy being appalled by her choice of ensemble. The girl has a slamming figure, but I don't think Kate "Hi-I'm-a-Human-Pez-Dispenser" Bosworth and her gigantic head could have pulled off that duotoned Pepto-Bismol disaster. Why Asia'h felt compelled to stuff herself into that high-waisted, pink sausage of a costume is beyond me, but NOT FLATTERING. Unless, of course, you are the new spokesperson for Oscar Meyer wieners ("Now in pastels!") and they're paying you to dress like one.

TROY: Well As'iah has to be memorable for SOMETHING. Just remember: nothing is as bad as Jennifer Hudson's aluminum foil space suit or Clay Aiken's red leather pants.

TRACY: It was still pretty bad, from the armpits down. Whoever the rich idiots are who dictate style trends, listen up: High-waisted pants are the DEVIL! ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY ARE TAPERED! AND SATIN! No one wants to look like a tottering, shiny sausage with tiny circus fat-lady feet, even and perhaps especially when they are as skinny as A'siah.

That is all.

TROY: My sister: one woman fashion police: tapered pants wearers of the world, beware!

TRACY: Yeah, you know it.

TROY: Seriously though, Asia'h was decent, but not memorable at all. In fact, I'm having trouble trying to recall her performance at all.

TRACY: You know how a contestant is dead to you when they talk back to Simon? Well, I am mentally willing them off my planet when they haul out unimaginative, already beaten-to-death Whitney Houston songs....

TROY: I think that's part of the reason why I cannot remember her–-whenever someone does Whitney, I mentally block their performance. I guess I just don't get what inspires a contestant to choose one of her songs. It's almost as if these contestants have never seen an episode of Idol before in their lives.

TRACY: As'iah who? Where does that apostrophe go?

TROY: 'Aisha?

TRACY: Dear God, KADY MALLOY just can't stay in tune, can she? I love that song (because I loved the original Highlander movie) and I thought she was going to pull it off until she got to the "For-eh-VAAAAAHHHHHHH!" part.

TROY: I really like Kady Malloy's personality too! Her interview clips are always a highlight. Why must she suck so badly? Why can't Krusty Lee Cook have Kady's voice? It's the soul sucking Idol stage doing it to her.

TRACY: I know--she's awfully cute in her clips. But I think Randy was sharing Paula's "Coke" this week when he told her that she was missing the low notes but hitting the high ones. A rewind of my Tivo told me I was 100 percent correct when I clapped my hands my bleeding ears during the high notes and shrieked "FLAT! She's FLAT! OOOOOH, IT HURRRRRRRTS!" at my husband.

Fortunately, he is tone-deaf, so he was impervious.

I think someone needs to just give the girl a sitcom about someone who pretends to be Britney to get ahead in life, and make her stop singing on my television. Such a cute girl. Such an awful, awful sense of pitch.

TROY: They should give Kady the job that the charmless Justin Guarini has on TVGuide Channel hosting Idol Tonight. She's funny, pretty, and seemingly smart--she just happens to have the singing voice of Cameron Diaz. Kady's a heartbreaker for all the wrong reasons.

TRACY: I loved AMANDA OVERMEYER's cover of "I Hate Myself for Loving You." I don't care if she can't sing a ballad--I LOVE it when she does that crazy howl in the middle of her songs. She has an identity as an artist, and she's not afraid to use it. Crazy biker nurse for the win!

And praise the Lord, she deflated her hair tonight and didn't wear flaming pants again. Please, Amanda, don't ever let them make you look like the Bride of Frankenstein doing "Hairspray" again!

TROY: I actually found Amanda to be a bit overpraised this week. While she was much better than last week, I wasn't flipping the way that the judges were. And why is she such a frickin' grouch? Hey Oscar, it's not hard to smile when you get a compliment. If you think glaring and acting socially awkward is "rock 'n roll," then you shouldn't be on American "This Is My Now" Idol.


TRACY: Agreed. She does need to perk up a bit. I also loved CARLY SMITHSON, surprisingly. She's showing a little more personality, not just being the "Hey, I'm Irish and I have a tattoo!" girl. Her version of "I Drove All Night" was stunningly proficient. Maybe it wasn't her "Superstar" moment yet, but it made me really look forward to seeing what else she can do.

TROY: Carly still gives me a case of the MEHs. While I think she has a pretty voice, she never does anything interesting with it. Plus, I couldn't get out Celine Dion's version of this song out of my head, adding to the cheese factor. I'm hoping Carly can do something.

TRACY: Oh, and more high-waisted pants, but Carly's insane legs and the little sailor buttons kept those from being a total knockwurstian disaster.

TROY: So Carly become the exception to the rule? I have so much to learn, apparently.

TRACY: The sailor buttons make the high-waisted thing make a little more sense. Plus, if you have really long legs and not too much in the way of hips, they're not the disaster they are on women who have even the slightest hint of curves. Come on, Troy. Surely you noticed the difference!

Moving right along....

KRISTY LEE COOK needs to go home, people. I know you feel sorry for the horse, but come on now.

Yes, she made an interesting CHOICE in serving up a country-fried version of Journey's "Faithfully." (BTW, Troy, did you know Randy used to be in Journey? Just in case you didn't catch his oh-so-subtle name-dropping.) But her delivery of that choice? Ow. Just ... ow.

TROY: Randy was in Journey? Randy worked with Mariah Carey? Randy sucks, but not as bad as Tonya Harding Lite. STOP VOTING FOR HER, PEOPLE. She is charmless, bland, uninteresting, and I just don't. get. it. We shouldn't even bother writing about her.


There's really nothing else to be done with Phil Collins' "Against All Odds," so I'm sad that RAMIELE MALUBAY chose it. BOOOOOrrrrinnnnnggg. In fact, I'm even getting bored trying to recall it, so I'll punt to you before I accidentally slip into a coma. (That's the way to avoid our snark--make us so sleepy, we can't serve it up.)

TROY: Ramiele: the cure for insomnia. The only time I've ever heard anything interesting done to "Against All Odds" was the Postal Service's electronica version. Ramiele's vocals were fine, but she brought nothing new to the song, except maybe made it "cuter." I think Ramiele is a little bit Jasmine Trias, but made more bland.

TRACY: I'm officially way annoyed with BROOKE "the musical Kaavya Viswanathan" WHITE. Word on the Web is that Pat Benatar does that acoustic version of "Love is a Battlefield" on tour all the time. So I did a quick search on YouTube, and TO A NOTE, that version that Brooke did is part of the great Pat B's "Live: Summer Vacation Tour" CD.

Don't believe me? Listen to the clip on YouTube:

Ergo, while Brooke may draw the line at seeing an R-rated movie, she will rip off the original artist and pretend in all her saccharine goodness that she made up a whole new arrangement of her song all by herself, isn'tsheclever? NIIIIIIICE.

TROY: Hey! You weren't annoyed when Daughtry ripped off Live with his take on "Walk the Line." I hate defending Brooke, but she didn't claim the version as her own. And Pat Benatar's version is a bit obscure. Either way, I thought Pollyanna was a'ight this week. She was better last week, but I still prefer her to Star Spangled Ice Queen.

TRACY: She did so claim it as her own, albeit indirectly! When Paula started saying that she should have done it with the full band, Brooke said something along the lines of "Well, I can't do Pat Benatar's version." Implying that she mixed it up on her own to avoid a bad imitation. And Chris D. admitted the next day that it was Live's version, while Brooke White did not.

The prosecution rests.

SYESHA MERCADO who? (Freaking Whitney.)

TROY: "Saving All My Love" is the only tolerable Whitney song for a contestant to sing because it is such a trainwreck. Contests usually do some sort of dippy, interpretative dance to it. See Alexis Lopez, Season One: Syesha wasn't enough of a hot mess for me. It was just bland when I wanted an extra dose of Velveeta. Dead to me.

TRACY: Oh, and what is UP with Paula's incoherent, self-indulgent ramblings? That's it--I really think they need to replace her. It's like having your doddering, 500-year-old auntie with Alzheimer's back you into a corner so she can mutter in your face about melons and cornflakes and other wondrous things in her world that make absolutely no sense in yours because YOU STILL HAVE ALL OF YOUR BRAIN CELLS. If they replaced her, people would be sad for about five minutes until someone else came along who was both a nice antidote to Simon and could speak-a the English properly. Dude. Pill-a Abdul and the Morphine Drips is not an act I want on my television ANYMORE!

TROY: It's a little sad when you see Paula from season one, back when she could put a sentence together to the current Paula 2.Slurry. But her ramblings make the show. She is insane and second to Danny Noriega's diva rants, I love hearing what incoherent mess will escape her lips. Remember this is the same woman who slept with Corey Clark and had a massive meltdown when she couldn't choreograph the BRATZ movie.

TRACY: Ugh. Jose and I have started fast-forwarding her when she talks, and we crack up when it takes Tivo FOREVER to get through her batcrap crazy diatribes even at 3x speed. Brilliant idea alert: I nominate Whitney Houston to replace her, because A) perhaps the mere presence of her greatness would make contestants too intimidated to tackle her catalog and pale in horrifying comparison EVER AGAIN, and B) even with her brain half-eaten by crack, I am SURE Ms. Whitney would be a lot more concise and entertaining than Paula McRamblypants. Imagine:

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, Syesha, HELL to the no!"

"A! SHEEE! AHHH!!! Do not! ::finger wave::: Sing my songs! :::finger wave::: Ever! :::finger wave::: AGAIN!"


TROY: I fully support that idea (with Mariah "Hey lambs..." Carey alternating in once in awhile). Whitney would be amazing for one reason, and one reason alone:

TRACY: We're just all about YouTube tonight, aren't we? I'm predicting a Kady and (wishfully) a Kristy Lee Boring ouster tonight, although we could see a Syesha or Asia'h upset for those ridiculously overdone song choices.

Can I also just mention that we're getting an insane amount of hits on these AI recaps thanks to Google searches for "Danny Noriega." So Danny, if you're out there Googling yourself ... HEY! : )

******RESULTS SHOW******

TROY: And you spoke too soon as on tonight's RESULTS SHOW, my favorite contestant got the boot. I am DEVASTATED by this turn of events (but not as much as Ramiele was--that breakdown was the hottest mess of the week! It was like Carrie at the prom, minus the blood). WHYYY GOD? WHYYY DANNY NORIEGA? This is truly a tragedy.

TRACY: Maybe Ramiele has a second calling as a regular on La Madrastra. Do you think they'd let a Filipina on a Mexican soap opera?

Poor Danny. I wish he'd stayed, but more for the promise of his voice than on what he actually delivered. Chikezie sang better, but he's Chi-crazy. (On the up side, at least we can keep using our favorite nickname for at least another week.)

TROY: In less traumatic news, Luke Menard got kicked off.

TRACY: And let the church say, AMEN!

TROY: Our ears thank you, voting audience.

It was time, but I am a bit sad to see Kady go, for all the reason lifted above. How bad was her sing-out though? On Wednesday, she had a note accuracy average of 54% and tonight I think it dropped to 23%. Sad.

TRACY: I felt bad for her, too, but I really think she just needs to be an actress. At least, until she can calm her nerves and hit the right notes instead of the wrong ones.

TROY: As'iah didn't deserve to go, seeing as Tonya Harding Lite is still in the competition. That's what happens when you pick a Whitney though.

TRACY: A'siah-who?

TROY: Bye Asi'ah! We hardly knew ye (or where to put the apostrophe in your name).

Blake Lewis also performed and reminded us why he didn't win last year. Dude put me to sleep.

TRACY: I KNOW! Maggie, my four-year-old, likes to watch American Idol with me (she is TOTALLY in love with Amanda Overmeyer!), and when Blake was singing she kept going, "Fast-forward, mommy. I want to see Amanda Overmeyer in the red shirt."

I don't think that performance is going to save that album any time soon. Max Headroom called--he wants his beatboxing skills back.

TROY: Top twelve next week! Huzzah!


Anonymous said...

HAHA You totally cracked me up!

BTW, Clay Aiken never wore red leather was a jacket and, hey, it wasn't bad at all.

Tracy Montoya said...

Hey, anonymous, you're right! He did do a really bad hippy-hippy shake the night he wore the red leather jacket, if memory serves.

LASR Admin - Romance Reviews said...

I'm just going to stop watching the show and read your blog. It's more entertaining.

Yanno... they keep saying this is the best group of contestants, EVAH.

Are they tone deaf?

Tracy Montoya said...

Hey, we're all about more visitors, LASR admin! And if you want to snark along with us, even better!

Angryromancegrrl said...

Curse you BOTH for this. Now I am sucked into American Idol. You owe me wine.

What makes it worse is that I still can't remember anyone's name. Thanks goodness you guys have that bit figured out.



Kady--She made my ears bleed. It is such a great song and she blew it. Of course the irony is that "There can Be Only One". I am guessing it will not be her. (And hey--it wasn't!)
Off with her head!

The rest didn’t' strike me as good, bad, just...uninspired. Any and all Journey songs make me cringe. I find them an embarrassment to my high school years (yes, I am that old)

Tracy Montoya said...

Sharron, I still love Journey, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. And American Idol is so much fun, you should be GLAD we dragged you to it! : D

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Tracy Montoya writes romantic suspense for Harlequin Intrigue.

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