Thursday, March 06, 2008

American Idol: Top 8 Men

TRACY: Well, Troy, I have to say, the guys did so well the other night, I'm not sure I have anything much in the way of snark to impart. But for you and our one commenting reader (Hi, Sharron!), I'll try.

So when DAVID ARCHULETA announced that his most embarrassing moment took place in Honduras, Jose and I ran upstairs to Google him and discovered that, like us, he's HALF-HONDURAN! So now I love him even more and forbid you from talking about how fake you think he is.

TROY: SO fake. His "oh golly gosh" demeanor is totally starting to grate. I'm just waiting for pictures of him doing a line of coke or something surface.

TRACY: :::snort:::

TROY: No one with stage parents turns out to be that nice and genuine. Or maybe I'm too cynical over here…

TRACY: Sheesh, no love for la raza.... Anyway, I never liked the song "Another Day in Paradise" much in the 80s when Phil Collins did it, but I genuinely enjoyed David's arrangement. His voice sounded awesome and I might just have to download it. I didn't mind that it wasn't some zippy little "Hi! I'm seventeen! Hi!" number like Simon seemed to be craving. He has a mature, interesting voice, and he should be able to do whatever the crunk he wants. Besides, happy, flippy little songs every week might just send us all into sugar shock.

TROY: Well it's not like he was doing some indie rock song. It wasn't all that deep (and lies! - you totally won't download it). However, I cannot deny that David does have a tremendous voice. He has just enough power and control to make any song work. I'll like to see him when things move to Latin and Country to see if he still holds up. I'd probably like him a little more if he showed some more edge. David + Marilyn Manson perhaps?

TRACY: Now that would be fun. What almost did send me into sugar shock was his comment about how the song was about "the people in the world who have nothing." But then I remembered that HE'S SEVENTEEN, and it suddenly became kind adorable. And since I read that today's young and hip generation has a huge problem with narcissism, maybe a sweet boy who sings a song for the world's poor isn't such a bad thing.

TROY: David loves world peace. STAGE PARENTING, dear sister. He's been groomed to be doing this thing since he was three. Unlike poor social mutant JASON CASTRO…..

TRACY: Ooooh. Why do I get the distinct impression that Jason wants to win the recording contract so he'll suddenly have 24-7 access to a never-ending supply of weed? You have to giggle at his obvious and kind of adorable discomfort and general, ganja-induced incoherence in front of the camera, but that most embarrassing story about losing one of his dreads at dinner was really gross. Who wants to contemplate a big pile of gunked-up hair in one's soup? BLEHHH.

TROY: Oh the guys were definitely ready to bring the disgusting with their embarrassing stories. Ick. You know Paula totally wants to get ahold of the stuff that Jason's smoking. He seems like a completely nice guy, but I'm pretty sure he's living on Cloud 9 … eating dread soup.

TRACY: EEEEEEUW!!! That said, Jason C. was fabulous. I love the song "Hallelujah" (Didn't they play that when Marissa Cooper died on the OC?)

TROY: (Yeah – and when Shrek and Fiona were breaking up, the dramatic Ugly Betty season finale, etc.(

TRACY: I thought his version was beautiful and emotionally true. He has a spare, interesting voice, and a throwback 70s vibe (I'm talking the Neil Young/Crosby, Stills, and Nash vibe), and I'm not sure why the judges are loving him as much as I do, but I'm glad.

TROY: I thought it was a really interesting choice. Jason did a great job with the song (even if he didn't look too terribly convinced with himself). I agree with you--the judges seemed to think this performance was Fantasia "Summertime" caliber and it just wasn't. Still, it was memorable and enough to secure a spot for Jason in the top 12.

TRACY: Jose and I LOVED DAVID COOK. I hate "Hello." Hate it. Hate, hate, hate. Hated the video (although the blind sculptress was adorable), hated the big clay Lionel Richie head, hated the song, and really just wanted Lionel to break out the bongos and release another "All Night Long" instead. But David C's version? Genius.

And I don't want to hear about how he snapped at Simon the other night. He felt bad almost immediately and probably won't do it again. And since he still didn't go off half as bad as Chikezie or Senorita Noriega. I'm over it.

TROY: I can't look over Cook's pretentious last week. Like I said, once someone freaks out on the judges they are dead to me. His performance was different, but I think he's starting to buy into his own hype. He has half the talent of Daughtry and twice the ego (post-show!).


TROY: Capital A Assh--


Plus, I don't care what Simon says, I loved his "word geek" clip from last week. He's someone I'd gladly listen to in concert, AND I could have a game of Scrabble with him, too. I'm a fan.

TROY: Blech. And nice comb-over, dude.

TRACY: He can't help it if the Rogaine isn't doing its thing. (Terrible transition alert!) Someone who doesn't yet have to worry about Rogaine is MICHAEL JOHNS (Heh.), who once again, left me with an overwhelming case of the mehs. His take on "Don't You Forget About Me" was a'ight, but if you hold up your hands in front of your eyes as kind of an anti-charisma shield and just listen, it's not great. Not even remotely. He's coasting on his looks, his mike-stand-twirling skills and his Jim Morrison magnetism at this point.

TROY: Ditto. I really am not getting the appeal of Michael Johns. Is it the accent? His performances just aren't anything spectacular. Great song. Weak performance. A dingo ate his talent.

TRACY: Oh, and let's take a moment to feel smug over knowing that the song was by Scotland's own Simple Minds, not Australia's INXS as Randy erroneously pointed out.

:::basking in smugness:::

TROY: Even I knew that. Randy must have been smoking some of Jason Castro's ganja.

TRACY: Or eating dread soup. So, let's just put aside the knowledge that DAVID HERNANDEZ is a stripper who goes beyond the g-string frontier for a moment, and focus on how great his voice is. I HATE the Diana DeGarmo-esque "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" (melodramatic much?), but it was kind of interesting to hear a (very talented) guy sing it for a change. I may hate the song, but I didn't mind David's performance at all, and that's actually the highest praise I can give when someone bursts into a tune that usually makes me want to bury my head under the couch cushions and howl until it's over.

TROY: I actually started to laugh when David started to sing this song. Celine Dion? Really?? That said, David is very talented and he made me tolerate that telenovela-tastic song. The 80s were incredibly cheesy, but did he have to pick THAT song? Meat Loaf! Celine! Ack!

TRACY: Oh, and ... OMG, HE WAS A STRIPPER!!!!!!!!!

TROY: David was a stripper??? For the love of Jessica Sierra!

TRACY: Although, since he's a guy, there isn't the whole sexist, viewing-women-as-brainless-objects ick factor political element to it, I'm not as affronted as I am by Brook Busey's (aka "Diablo Cody's") stupid, pointless, not-driven-by-crushing-poverty past (and tattoo).

TROY: DOUBLE STANDARD. He's still a stripper - what difference does it make if the stripper is male or female?

TRACY: Obviously someone never took any feminist theory electives in college. The weight of the culture, dude. Men can't oppress themselves.

(By the way, what is UP with Brook Busey's (aka "Diablo Cody's") tattoo? What self-respecting, righteous woman permanently inks a bikini babe/stripper on her arm? Does she have those busty mud-flap girls on her booty to match? Why not go all out and ink the Hooters logo underneath your collarbone while you're at it?!?!?! I look forward to seeing Juno when it's on DVD, but in the name of Gloria Steinem, I really want to take a laser to that woman.)

TROY: (Uh … did you see her Oscar dress? I haven't read her book, but I have a felling Ms. Busey isn't too ashamed of her stripper past. She was also a "living doll" at Sex World in Minneapolis. The synopsis of her book alludes that she did this because she was "bored." You must love her that much more now.)

TRACY: (I know. Gross.) As I was saying ... I'm not politically affronted by David's past. And if he stripped, like some women do, because he couldn't make that much money any other way, then that sucks. What does get me is the fact that he went all full-frontal and lap danced. No one wants to picture their American Idol rubbing his junk all over men he's just met. That's just unsanitary.

TROY: Too much thought. Ack!

TRACY: :::trying to get rid of horrible visual::::

That said, I still like him . His awkward "Hey, did you see my shoes?" attempt at banter was kind of endearing. Although here's a note of advice to David: Never, ever employ the phrase "walnut-sized booger" when you're on national television again. Comprendeme?

TROY: That might have been a worse visual than the lap dance. Ick! David's all about the TMI this week. I'm scared about what we'll hear next week if he continues on this trend.

TRACY: CHIKEZIE EZE was pretty good, but I still can't get over his insane and endless ranting during week one, so he needs to go. Plus, I refuse to say any more about any unimaginative contestant who trots out Whitney Houston, except that everyone on this show in years past has already beaten poor Whitney to death, and hasn't she been through enough already with that no-good husband of hers? Leave the poor woman be.

TROY: Remember how we did a blog of swiping Oscars a year ago? I think it's time to ban songs from Idol--NO MORE WHITNEY! Seriously kids--you're not that good. Calm yourselves. As far as Jacuzzi goes, I have no desire to give him any praise. He did fine, but I would love to see his overdramatic ass go home this week. I'll welcome it.

TRACY: You know, I think somewhere in there, DANNY NORIEGA has an amazing voice, but instead of showing it off, he's too busy "performing." Sweetheart, this isn't an audition to be the America's Next Top Waitress at Lucky Chang's. This is a competition to be a recording star. So show us that when the cameras are off and all we're hearing is the dulcet tones of your voice through our car radios, we won't all be veering into ditches in our haste to change the station. You could save a life here, dude.

TROY: Hot mess of the week! Danny Noriega is quite possibly the most amazing contestant Idol has ever had and certainly the biggest diva. You have to admit that you look forward to see what he does each week. He's dramatic, immature, insane, and way over-the-top. In other words, he's tremendous TV. I will be wicked devastated if he doesn't make the top 12.

TRACY: Me, too, although I think he's in danger.... And, as always, that leaves us with ... LUKE MENARD.


Please, for the love of all that does not make my eardrums bleed, stop. Just stop.

TROY: Poor Luke Menard. He seems so nice too--can he switch voices with Jacuzzi? And if he does make it to the top 12, he'll definitely be the Haley Scarnato of the competition (but at least she had her legs – what will Luke do to retain votes?). He has to be Paula's boy toy of the year because he's already rendered half of American deaf.

TRACY: On Thursday, I really, really hope we'll be hearing the last of Luke Menard. I think Danny Noriega was the night's second most vulnerable. As a possible alternate, Chi-crazy could go, although if a large portion of the voting public missed his meltdown, he might get a pass on his talent. I'm also a little worried for second-alternate David Hernandez because of his low-key personality. And we KNOW he's lost the Moral Majority vote....

TROY: Ha! Chi-Crazy! I'm totally using that from now on.

Oh David and his G-string are totally getting Antonella-ed out of there. However, let's put happy thoughts into Luke "The Tone Deafanator" Menard and Chi-crazy getting the boot this week. I also wouldn't be heartbroken to see skeezy Michael Johns go back down under.

TRACY: Can we just keep nine men and only add three women to the top 12?

TROY: Is it too late to bring back Tami Gosnell?

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Tracy Montoya writes romantic suspense for Harlequin Intrigue.

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