Project Runway Snarkfest #1

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD!

Yeah, we missed a few episodes, but my little brother Troy and I decided we needed to start blogging Project Runway, which is currently having its Best! Season! EVAH!

Everybody give it up for Troy, who will be guest-blogging with me every Friday, except for the Fridays that he doesn't. (We can't blog the day after Project Runway airs, because that would be Thursday, Troy's "hell day" of nonstop classroom fun at the University of Minnesota.)

So here goes our uneducated-yet-hopefully-amusing take on the winner, the loser, and the rest of the designers from this week's "Couture du Jour" episode.

TRACY: So JEFFREY won. Unbelievable. I loved when he said of his toxic-waste-in-a-plaid fabric, "It just jumped out at me." YEAH, it jumped out at you. Like the Mothman jumps out at unsuspecting West Virginians.

That's exactly the fabric I'd use if I wanted to sew a sign warning people that a major bio-chemical spill of nastiness was sludging their way. That dress was a complete horror show, and I don't know what Heidi Klum and her merry band of idiots were smoking to declare that ugly, flailing, plaid bathmat-in-its-death-throes of a dress the winner.

TROY: I seriously expected to see his model whip out some multi-colored bagpipes on the runway. WTF? I'd thought it would be near the bottom, let alone the WINNER. Am I missing something?

TRACY: If you are, so am I. If hating that dress is wrong, I don't EVER want to be right.

TROY: Is that a dress you'd see in Vogue? Now, I don't read Vogue, but this dress seems more likely for Hoe-down Weekly.

TRACY: Heh. As annoyed as I am that Sparky McNeckTattoo won two in a row, I am glad that MICHAEL, despite putting some ruching on his gown that made his model's breasts look like the Hooter's logo, still managed to stay safe.

TROY: That dress looked like it was eating his poor model ("from beneath you it devours"). And he cannot blame the egg incident for the WHOLE dress. The egg hit the bottom, which the judges didn't complain about.

I knew his wasn't bad enough to get him the "auf," but hopefully it inspired him to get it together and make it work next week. He can't be perfect every week, but if he's not in the top two this year, there is no justice.

TRACY: Totally. He had me at the coffee filter dress, and this week was his only slip-up all season so far, IMHO. But you know, he still managed to impress me this week--not with a killer outfit, as usual, but by uttering the night's best line: "I'm sweating like a whore in church." Ha!

How about LAURA's dress?

TROY: ZZZzzzZZZZZzzzZzzZ. Boring. Boring. Boring. And ugly. It would, however, have been perfect for French Maid Elvira.

TRACY: Or something you'd put on a dowager empress for her wake. I keep wanting her to pull off something outrageous, but I think she's going to end up designing for Ann Taylor. Nothing against Ann Taylor, but the company is pure Laura--flattering and sophisticated, but very, very safe.

TROY: I think Laura will be right at home working at a safe, well-tailored mall store. If only her clothes were as sharp as her snark, then she'd have something.

TRACY: I love her snark. Her snark is excellent. And I read somewhere that she's just as snarky at herself, so that makes it all OK.

TROY: ULI?

TRACY: Loved Uli's dress, but did the bodice remind you a little of Santino's gray party dress that he made for Nicky Hilton last season? Didn't that have braided straps, too?

TROY: Santino's Nicky Hilton dress was also exactly what I was thinking. I love Uli and hope she continues to improve, pulling out a win before the finale. She's been robbed a few times (the mother challenge!), and her deviation from the crazy colors and patterns was a step in a good direction.

TRACY: Agreed. Even if Uli's dress was inspired by a Santino creation, it was beautiful and a nice departure from her usual patterned creations with the Y necklines.

And then there's poor KAYNE. He breaks my heart with that sad little pout every time the judges rag on him. Is it just me, or was Kayne's dress really, secretly quite nice? I think if he'd picked a solid chiffon for the skirt, it would have gone over better with the judges.

TROY: Much better than the gay bat wing shirt from last week. I honestly thought Kayne would have been a contender for the winning position this week. I was confused at all of the discussion of the corset being "tacky."

TRACY: I loved the updated 18th-century feel of the corset top! Maybe it crossed over into the Land of Liberace in person, but on camera, it sparkled.

TROY: Yes, it may have been a "Monet" (where from far away it looks nice, but in person it's a "big ole mess" - Clueless), but on TV it was looked very nice.

TRACY: Heidi Klum, you troll, I shake my fist at you! I mean, honestly, if that was over the top, then how did Jeffrey's demented banana on a golf outing win the challenge?

But thank you, Jesus, VINCENT finally got kicked off.

TROY: Vincent makes the baby Jesus cry. Allison should have outlasted him (bitter. bitter. bitter.). I do think he was trying to honor Angela with the rosette-looking flower on the bum, but we saw how well that did for her.

TRACY: Everybody say "fleurchons!"

TROY AND TRACY: FLEURCHONS!

TRACY: Dear God, what WAS that horrible, sycophantic blather-fest coming out of Vincent when he was talking to Catherine Malandrino on the boat in Paris? I actually COVERED my eyes and was CRINGING away from the TV while he was nattering away about her fashion and her shoes and her style and, oh, wow, that was awful.

Maybe he was trying to bamboozle her away from criticizing that bridesmaid horror of a dress? I think I wore that mess in a wedding back in the eighties, butt-flower and all. At least we don't have to hear him talking about what gets him off anymore. Bleeecccch.

TROY: In CONCLUSION, I say good riddance to Vincent's auf. Hope Jeffrey follows him next.

TRACY: I think the judges and producers are grooming Jeffrey for a spot in the final three, to my everlasting chagrin.

TROY: I totally agree that Jeffrey is now going to the final 3. The producers must seem him as a Santino-esque character, but at least Santino had his spectacular Tim Gunn impression. What does Jeffrey have (besides a stupid neck tattoo and overinflated ego)?

TRACY: A serious problem with rage. And an overly doting mother who needs to open up a serious can of whoopass on certain spoiled, creepy sons of hers.