American Idol Recap: Top 3!

TRACY: Last night, we saw American democracy at its finest at work. While the producers of American Idol tried to rig the voting like a North Korean election and heavily pimp a Danny Gokey-Adam Lambert finale … While Kreepy Kara and Randy the Redundant sabotaged Kris Allen by giving him a sucktastic song and then unjustly whining about the fact that he sang it … While Simon Cowell gave the performance of the season a quasi-positive review riddled with subliminal “kick Kris off” messages like “while I had written you off … written you off … written you off …”

TROY: When Paula Abdul has declared, “SEE YOU IN THE FINALS!” to both DFG and Adam on numerous occasions, only telling Kris that his hair looks good pushed back. When judges are personally asking bands if the finalists can sing one of their must beloved, untouched songs…

TRACY: :::cue “The Battle Hymn of the Republic:::

… America said, “No, we will not go gently into that pre-determined and heavily pimped finale. We will not be sheep and vote how Simon tells us to vote. We will not write off a fabulously talented performer just because he doesn’t have a ginormous ego and a deceased wife. We will not allow sympathy and sentimentality to sway us from the course that we know is just and right.”

TROY: :::Wipes Tear Away and waves the American flag:::

TRACY: We said hell-to-the-no, Simon, and justice triumphed.

TROY: Today … is our independence day!

(Wrong moment?)

TRACY: (No, I thought that was nice!)

That was beautiful, America. I haven’t been this proud of us since we reinstated our commitment to the Geneva Convention and re-banned torture.

A Kris Allen-Adam Lambert finale. I never thought I’d see the day. :::sniff:::

TROY: This is almost as good as an Allison Iraheta – Adam Lambert finale….(Never forget).

TRACY: Although don’t smack me for saying this, but my husband Jose and I felt just a little sorry for Danny Gokey.

TROY: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY SISTER?

TRACY: I mean, yes, he has a ginormous ego and sings subtle variations on the same song every time he’s up on that stage. And yes, he did pimp his personal tragedy a little too much for our taste. But I’m sure that his American Idol run was a huge and welcome distraction from that tragedy, and now that it’s over, I feel sad for him. He’s got a difficult road ahead of him, emotionally.

So in honor of that, I am publicly committing to not call him a douchebag for this entire recap. Even if that word inappropriately and unfailingly cracks me up every time I type it.

TROY: Sigh. I’ll refrain from using that word as well … mainly because I’m terrified of the Gokemates (converted Claymates who have been attacking me on Facebook ).

TRACY: (:::shudder:::) So, okay, recap. We started the evening out with DANNY GOKEY singing Terrence Trent D’arby’s “Dance Little Sister,” a bizarre B-side choice from Paula that he failed to make relevant or interesting. I can't say that I blame him—it was a weird selection. Could it be that Ms. Abdul had a rare moment of clarity and decided to throw Danny a wicked curve ball to bring balance back to the universe and make up for her endless pimpage of him for the final two?

Or maybe it was just a happy, coked-up accident. In either case, I give it a resounding “meh.”

TROY: I honestly had no idea what song this was and don’t think I’ve ever heard it before (unless it was a 6th grade soccer dance, which is all just a blur). I’d murmur “sabotage,” if it weren’t for the fact that Paula was constantly telling DF …, er DANNY that he would be in the finals.

TRACY: We had the evening’s most flagrant case of attempted sabotage by Randy and Squeaky Fromme, who chose “Apologize” for KRIS ALLEN. How was it sabotage? Let me count the ways:

1) The song was flogged to death in the Hollywood rounds, giving Kris no hope of looking original, even though he had zero control over the choice.

TROY: (They might as well have given him “I Will Always Love You.” Wait … that may have been interesting).

TRACY: 2) Not once has Kris busted out a falsetto during his Idol run. Ergo, it would be safe to believe that if you give him a song with a so-high-only-dogs-and-deer-can-hear-it high note, he will likely botch it. Fortunately, he did not botch it, but it wasn’t the most powerful note he could hit, either. Part of that was the sound mixing guy’s fault, who was probably an integral part of the Gokey-Lambert pimpage plan.

3) It’s been overplayed on the radio, so the entire world is almost as sick of it as if it had been part of the Titanic soundtrack.


TROY: Preach. The song was even in promos for Atonement.

TRACY: 4) Not only did the dreadful duo shrill at him for not “stripping it down with just his guitar,” but then they refused to admit after his second performance that stripping two songs down to just the guitar would have been redundant AND Idol suicide, and he did his best with the craptacular choice he was given.

5) Kara is an idiot.

That is all.

TROY: I didn’t even hate this performance – it was karaoke, but I felt for the lamb, put out to the Idol slaughter. Still way better than anything that was desecrated by Jasmine Murray (who?) or Scott McIntire.

TRACY: Agreed.

Let us all pause now to remember the song “One,” because Tuesday night, ADAM LAMBERT drove a stake through it and then beat it with a shrieking cross.

TROY: Is that what that mess was? Adam maimed the song so badly that its remains could not be identified.

TRACY: That high note. Unnnnnnhhhhhh, my head. If you go back and just listen to it on YouTube or wherever one can find the videos from the show, you, like me, may find your startle reflex activated on that last OOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooOOOOOooooonnnnneeee!!!!!!” And you may feel an inescapable compulsion to call the poor boy an ambulance, because he is certainly about to barf up his intestines.

I know I’ve said before that it’s totally okay for him to go all Broadway on a song. It is not, however, totally okay to go all nutso shrieking hyena on it. I am reminded of the scirocco, the crazy howling wind in Italy that reportedly drives grown men and women insane when it blows.

TROY: Aguileritis is real, people.

TRACY: Oh, Adam. Why? WHY did you do that to my song? After all my votes and crazy-fan devotion, even championing you through “Ring of FYYYYYaaahhhhh?” And this is how you repay me?

TROY: Are you about to go all Tyra on him?

TRACY: I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU! WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU! LEEEEAAARRRRNNN SOMETHING FROM THIS!!!!!!!!!

I’m queuing up the exquisite Mary J. Blige version and hoping Ms. Mary J. can make it all better. It’s either that or lithium, man.

I can’t believe Simon actually reached down deep enough into his mendacity reservoir to praise that performance to the skies like he did. “Mad World” and “Whole Lotta Love” are enough to carry my support for Adam into the finale, but I would never have had the chutzpah to say anything other than it put the “arg” in blllllaaarrrrrrruuuurrrrrrrraaaarrrrgggl.

I love Adam. You know I love Adam. But that performance was sadly reminiscent of David Lee Roth once the drugs started to eat his brain. Tone it DOWN, grasshopper.

TROY: The entire time, I just kept thinking the song would be better once he got to the climax -- the big “OoooNNNnnnnNNNNEEeeeEEEEEE.” However, it was foolishly cut out of the arrangement! Epic. Fail. Of. The. Week.

TRACY: So much was cut out, it was just a serial killer victim of a song.

DANNY GOKEY sang “You Are So Beautiful.” Just in case you forgot that his wife had passed away.

TROY: I was totally expecting a black and white slideshow to take place on the video screen … or at least some Denise Richards in “Drop Dead Gorgeous”-quality frakery.

TRACY: I like that song, but his version kind of sounded like a slowly leaking helium balloon with a cold.

TROY: Again…Taylor Hicks did it better people

TRACY: And Simon kept on partaking of Paula’s Coca-Cola cup, calling Danny Gokey’s performance a vocal masterclass. A masterclass in SUCK, maybe.

And that brings us to the real vocal masterclass of the night, KRIS ALLEN’s take on “Heartless.” After he was finished, my husband and I started doing the Insane Kara Finger Jab at the television while loudly telling Randy and Kara to ... um ... "suck it." Several, times, I'm sorry to say. Fortunately, the girls were upstairs playing in Maggie’s room and did not witness their parents completely losing their shizz over an American Idol performance.

But daaaayyyyy-ummmm. That was … that was … There’s only one thing to say:

::::deep Mortal Kombat voice::: Fatality. Kris Allen wins.

TROY: Ahh-may-zing--I couldn’t wait to download the Mp3 right after (which kind of sucks in comparison. Whoever does the instrumental for the studio version needs to be fired immediately. I’m reminded of old NES music).

TRACY: (I KNOW! Who the heck thought it was a good idea to stick Barry Manilow-esque STRINGS in there?!)

TROY: Anyway, this performance was the biggest middle finger Kris could have given to the judges--the jduges who were trying to take him down--who couldn’t wait for him to fail. And he did it with class and dignity (take notes, Crazy CAWkrey).

TRACY: Kris Allen, I salute you. At first, I had written you off as moderately talented though ridiculously good-looking cannon fodder. I thought the tween-girl vote might sustain you into the top five or six at best. But then I started to like you a little with “Ain’t No Sunshine.” I got a small hint that there might be more to you than meets the ear when you freshened up “All She Wants to Do is Dance.” I put one tentative foot on the Kris Allen train when you turned an overplayed disco tune that I’ve hated since birth inside out and made me love it with the white-hot fiery passion of a thousand suns. And now, I am so totally on board your musical train, that I won’t even go on a hunger strike if Adam doesn’t win. I’d be happy for either of you.

TROY: I totally agree. This may be the first year where I’d honestly be happy for either contestant to win. And let the record show that I’ve been on the Kris Allen train since day one. ☺

(Psst..…I almost think I’d rather see Kris win as he may need it more than Adam. I know!)

TRACY: (No, I can see that.) And as long as 19 Entertainment doesn’t do a “Real Thing” on your musical abilities, I will be downloading your album as soon as it hits iTunes.

TROY: I’m going to hold you to this. You never download Idol albums (though, I don't blame you on that "Real Thing" trainwreck).

TRACY: (I downloaded a couple of songs from Chris Daughtry's album!)

You, sir, are the bomb. You deserve your quiet yet powerful stealth-fanbase, and I’m glad I wore my fingers down to stubs dialing for you last Tuesday.

TROY: Kris--I didn’t vote for you, but only because of my curse: The week I decide to get my booty off the couch and vote, that person ALWAYS goes home (see: Elliot Yamin, Kimberly Caldwell--you’re welcome, Tracy--Trenyce).

TRACY: And then we had ADAM singing “Cryin’,” which should be retitled to “Cryin’ Shame.” I’m not sure if it was his over-the-top delivery, the fact that I’ve never liked that song to begin with, or that hideous Molly Shannon of a back-up singer trying her best to overpower him with her imitation of a traffic jam set to music, but I thought that was a hot mess. Not as big of a hot mess as the Great U2 Debacle of Season 8 he delivered earlier in the show, but a hot mess nonetheless. I love Adam, and I really hope he can bring himself back down to Earth and show us what he’s got in the finale.

TROY: I thought this was MILES better than the “One” debacle. Still, while “Cryin’” is one of my favorite Aerosmith songs, WHY would you choose this of all possible songs?

Really Adam? Of all the songs ever created, this was the best song you could choose? Really?

I’m insulted.

TRACY: Love how Ryan had to get in the “is he or isn’t he?” dig by mentioning Adam’s past song choices by Cher and Queen. If that isn’t the pot calling the kettle a Cher fan, Mrs. Seacrest….

TROY: So sick of Seacrest’s comments. Let’s mock his (staged) pictures of him making out with Teri Hatcher.

TRACY: Seriously. And he did get all sparkly when Flo Rida came on. I mean, if you want to protect your own personal life, allow the contestants to protect theirs.

Because of that tacky mess, I couldn’t even summon up the appropriate amount of annoyance when Danny Gokey snapped at Ryan again for doing his job and delaying the top two announcement until the end of the results show. (Notice how I am not even using the d-word.)

TROY: I did love that while Danny was acting like a spastic 8-year old (“I just want to get it over with!”), Adam retorted with, “But I want to see Katy Perry!” SO funny.

TRACY: Totally. And speaking of messes….

Holy crap, Katy Perry! Forget Kara—THAT girl has Runaway Bride eyes. And what’s up with the Jane-Fonda-leotard-circa-1983 meets fat-Elvis-jumpsuit outfit she had on? I was also creeped out by the cherry on her tacky little sundae of an ensemble, the Adam Lambert cape—yuck.

TROY: I’m starting to like Katy Perry (“Thinking of You” is great), but that was horrifying. She really needs to tone down the cutesy/tacky look.

TRACY: Does she at least write her own (badly off-key) songs? Because then I can respect her at least a little.

TROY: She does--she actually also wrote Kelly Clarkson’s new single (“I Do Not Hook Up." I highly recommend).

TRACY: Although in the battle of the tragically off-key and trying-so-hard-to-be-edgy trainwrecks, I have to give it to Katy Perry over Gwen.

TROY: Really? With the Gwen venom again? And choosing the girl who sings “I Kissed a Girl” over someone that sings about not being a “Hollaback Girl.” REALLY?

Not everyone can be as edgy/artistic Suzanne Vega I guess…. ☺

TRACY: Suzanne Vega is the poet laureate of our times.

Anyway, regardless of Adam slipping off his pedestal of excellence for one night, I am pleased as punch that these two talented guys are going to face off in the finale. And let us not forget that they are also the only two left in the top ten that never, ever snapped back at the judges. Karma boomerang!

TROY: You’re right! I think this trend started last year (don’t remember either of the Davids snapping). Take note, future Idol-aspirers!

TRACY: Um, go back to last year's recaps. You totally lost your shizz when David Cook snapped back at Simon.

TROY: Aren’t you totally excited that we finally made it to blog about the finals (Save for a few lost recaps)? It’s a festivus miracle!

TRACY: Wow! We actually did it! (Although maybe it doesn't completely count because of the lost recaps. Eh, let's count it!)

(BTW, have you noticed how they both look weird when they hit high notes? Adam with the tongue that licked Manhattan, and Kris with his incredible, double-jointed jaw?)

TROY: Gross! It’s the John Mayer-effect.

TRACY: Top performance: Kris Allen’s “Heartless,” by a light year.
Bottom performance: As much as it pains me to do it, I have to give it to Adam and his massacre of “One.”

TROY: Top performance: Danny Gokey--“You are so Beautiful”

Just kidding. … it was totally Kris’ “Heartless.”

Bottom performance: Danny Gokey--“Whatever It’s Called.” At least I’ll remember the Adam massacre of ’09.

TRACY: True.

American Idol Recap: Top 4!

TRACY: NOOOOOOOO!!!!

She can’t be gone, Troy. She just can’t. I won’t believe it. Allison is still here. She’s still hereshe’sstillhereSHE’SSTILLHERE. She hasn’t been kicked off. I won’t believe it; you can’t make me.

TROY: The first stage of grief: shock…and denial.

TRACY: Oh, it huuurrrrrrrrrrrrrtssss. Why, God, WHY??

TROY: Did you vote? We didn’t vote!!!!! ( second stage: pain and guilt)

TRACY: I am so bitter, I’m leaking dandelion sap.

I’m typing this reclining on my chaise lounge with an ice pack behind my neck, because otherwise, I might just spontaneously combust from rage.

TROY: Third stage: Anger!

TRACY: Barring the severe injustice of the results show, this was my favorite theme night on Idol ever in the history of ever. (Though let us pause for a moment to regret that we did not get to see Trainwreck Anoop sneer and strut his way through “Welcome to the Jungle” or “Pyromania” in front of Slash.)

TROY: (I would have lurved to have seen Megan CAWkrey’s version of a rock song. She would have had the Janis-drunken swagger down at least.)

TRACY: Props to you, Cecile Frot-Coutaz, for managing to create a “Hell, No, You Can’t Sing a Sappy-Ass Ballad” night without actually calling it “Hell, No, You Can’t Sing a Sappy-Ass Ballad” night.

How big of a dork am I that I downloaded both duets immediately when they were up on iTunes? (And it’s a huge testament to Kris Allen’s talent that I can love “Renegade” for his performance despite the fact that Danny Gokey is audibly bursting blood vessels and vocal cords beside him.)

TROY: BOTH? I loved Adam/Allison but refuse to spend 99 cents on anything that has a trace of DFG. Every time a DFG song is downloaded, an angel loses its wings.

TRACY: Heh. And speaking of Slash, did someone cryogenically freeze him in 1992 and then thaw him out for this gig? Because he looks eerily the same as he did back when I was rocking to GNR’s “Knocking on Heaven’s Door” cover in college. Perhaps its the sunglasses.

TROY: Gotta be the Men-in-Black shades.

TRACY: Roight.

So we started out with ADAM LAMBERT doing so-classic-it’s-almost-untouchable Led Zeppelin, with “Whole Lotta Love.” But of COURSE Mr. Five Octaves with Eyeliner could touch it, and he delivered a KO that actually made me go “Robert Plant Who?” Loved it, loved it, loved it, want to marry it and have its babies.

What I loved even more was how right after glowering and snarling into the camera, Adam’s face completely transforms after the last note into a bright-eyed “Hi! I’m Adam!” smile.

:::deep Mortal Kombat voice::: Fatality. Adam Lambert wins.

TROY: Definitely shows what a great performer Adam his – he gets so intense while singing, but can snap out of it right after the music stops. That said, I didn’t love Adam this week.

TRACY: ::::incredulous, google-eyed stare::::

TROY: I KNOW!

Again, his voice is amazing, but I don’t love the abundance of showing off that goes on. I think Adam’s biggest problem is that he suffers from Aguileritis.

Symptoms of Aguileritis include showcasing your five octave range EVERY 3rd measure, stretching out a syllable to 10, pained facial expressions, and glass shattering.

If your loved one suffers Aguileritis, please … get them a glass of water.

TRACY: I think I might do a Keifer Sutherland Angry Head Butt on you if you were here. Since you're not, I'm just going to pretend you didn't go there.

TROY: I’m still on Team Adam though. Promise!

TRACY: I swear, if Adam doesn’t win this thing, I’m going on a hunger strike until America comes to its senses and sends Danny Gokey to the vet for de-barking surgery.

(I’m not being entirely unselfish here. After looking at photos of myself in that orange dress I wore to our cousin’s wedding, I could use a short hunger strike. Why didn’t you tell me I looked like the Great Pumpkin?)

TROY: (You did not!)

TRACY: And before we leave off with Adam, I’ll ask: Was Kara’s chair vibrating shortly after Adam’s song, or what? Because otherwise, there is no excuse for that mess. She called him sleazy? WHATevah, Jackie O’Nasty.

TROY: Useless Kara commentary? I’m shocked! Thank GOD Simon said she’ll be back next year!!!

TRACY: I'm praying to the TV gods that he's pulling a Barbara Walters and denying she's being fired, so she can come up with her own "exit story." Here's hoping for a nice Star Jones-esque trainwreck between this season and next!

Next up was ALLISON IRAHETA with “Cry, Baby.” Now you KNOW how much I love the late, great Janis, so the fact that I merely enjoyed Allison’s take and wasn’t pelting my TV with popcorn, toys, my small children, and whatever else was within reach is a huge compliment. But I have to say, she was freaking AMAZING during her exit (Rage.) performance. After I shifted my slack jaw back into place, I turned to my husband and went, “I actually really love this.” He called it "the best I-just-got-kicked-off-of-American-Idol performance I’ve ever seen.”

TROY: Totally agree. Allison’s final performance gave me goosebumps (a rarity in Idol-land). Did you notice Kara shrieking in her face as she was singing to them? “YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!!!!” I agreed with her and was disgusted at the same time.

TRACY: Ugh. I’m thinking that Allison’s high emotions after getting the unjust boot (Rage.) finally gave her that extra dose of oomph she needed to really tear the roof off the studio. If only the producers had known that earlier. They could have bitch-slapped her and told her her dress was ugly before every performance and maybe she would still be with us. I know they always tell contestants “this is not the end,” but this better not freaking be the end for her. She’s too talented.

TROY: If we would’ve seen that performance from Allison on Tuesday night, it would have made the list of the ten best Idol performances EVAH. She was robbed, man! ROBBED! Here’s hoping 19 Entertainment doesn’t force her to make some watered down Bo “The Real Thing” Bice drivel.

File “Iraheta” next to “Trenyce” in the “Underappreciated Idols” folder.

TRACY: Totally.

DUET #1: Again, it’s a huge testament to Kris’s talent that his being paired with Danny Freaking Gokey that I actually still loved their performance of “Renegade.” As much as it pains me to admit this, I think Danny’s half was the best performance that guy has given since the top 12 began. It was nice to hear him sing an up-tempo song that actually had some energy and a good melody.

TROY: This was amazing in comparison to the terrors Gokey inflicted later on in the show. I will (begrudgingly) admit that some of their harmonies sounded really great.

TRACY: However, I need to have a word with the sound mixers.

Dear Sound Mixing Guy or Girl:

After months of dealing with DFG’s obnoxious behavior, you should have known that he is the Molly Shannon of American Idol and would try his banshee-like best to upstage and drown out the softer-voiced Kris. Maybe next time you could turn his mike on mute and see if their voices balance better.

Sincerely,

Me

TROY: Oohh.. can I co-sign?

TRACY: Of course.

Sincerely,

Troy and Me

It was kind of nice seeing Kris rocking something other than a plaid shirt and long-sleeved tee. Leather jacket and motorcycle boots? Kinda hot. I finally see what all those teenaged girls are so gaga over.

Both of them went off key a little, but all in all, I liked most of it. (That would be the parts on which Kris was singing.)

TROY: I’m sad that Gokey received some praise in our recaps. I feel unclean.

TRACY: Rather than being the second coming of Axl Rose, KRIS ALLEN is more of an REO Speedwagon-style rocker. But I thought he managed not to sink like a folksy little rock, as expected. “Come Together” was a rather unfortunate choice, given how Carly Smithson killed it, stuffed it, and hung it on her wall last season—and at first, Kris’s version sounded like a pale imitation. But I ended up thinking that he put his own kinda nice spin on it, so I rewound and gave it a second listen. And I have to say, it was pretty darn good. I loved when he dropped it down an octave and tooled around with the melody in a few parts. It was understated, but very, very accomplished, and he got absolutely shafted by Squeaky Fromme and Simon. I cry “sabotage,” and I cry it hard.

TROY: Kris totally got thrown under the Idol bus. (driven by Kara and her runaway bride eyes). I enjoyed Kris’ performance and was shocked that the judges said he was lacking energy. The boy was singing, playing his guitar, and rocking out in his non-rock way. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM HIM PEOPLE? NIGHT TERROR SHRIEKING? (We’ll get to that later.)

TRACY: Kris’s wife looked so happy for him when he was officially declared a member of the top 3, all jumping up and down with her cute little pre-teen grin, that my maternal instincts kicked in and I wanted to jump up and down with her, and perhaps buy her a Cabbage Patch doll. I am thrilled that the American people had the good sense to keep him, even if they delivered an epic fail on Allison.

TROY: 5.6.09: Never forget.

:::moment of respectful silence:::

TRACY: I think perhaps it’s safe for Howard Dean to run for president again, because The Scream that Killed a Presidential Run might have just been overshadowed by that horrible, horrible drunken banshee wail coming out of DANNY FREAKING GOKEY’s throat. The last ten seconds or so of "Dream On" sounded exactly like that scene in that old 1987 horror movie, Prince of Darkness, where that girl barfs up her own intestines.

Double-ewwww. Tee. Eff.

TROY: You know I have to bring it up (as we do every Idol year), but remember the epic fail that was Jordis Unga on Rockstar: INXS when she performed “Dream On?” Need a reminder? “Dream On” is NOT a smart choice for a reality TV karaoke competition, people!

Jordis’ epic fail (and seemingly cramps-induced howl--see 2:12 in the video) is a musical masterpiece compared to the mess DFG inflicted upon us. My ears STILL hurt.

I do have to thank Danny because I don’t think I’ve ever laughed harder at an Idol performance than I did at this one (and I watched the Sanjaya season, people). The combination of this boy thinking he nailed it and the look of pure horror on the judges’ faces is classic.

Listening to the studio version isn’t much better. I think someone goes Lorena Bobbit on him at the 2:27 mark. Really.

TRACY: And what was up with the relentlessly dorky pin-striped pants and vest? Um, hello, ROCK NIGHT?! Couldn’t you at least put on a pair of jeans with a tiny fray in the knee or something? Pin-stripes? Seriously? And that chunkalicious chain with the pin-stripes? Looks like someone robbed Mr. T in his sleep, and with the way Mr. T’s career has been going since The A-Team ended, dude can’t afford to be losing any of his bling. That’s just cruel.

And Smarmy Gokey had Douchebag Moment #57 with his whole “I went home and laughed” about his screaming, flu-ridden banshee wail. I could just SEE his whole thought process in that smug mug of his: “Well, OBVIOUSLY I’m safe, because I’m awesome. Ergo, the botched note or two at the end of my song is funny, since there’s no way I could POSSIBLY be kicked off the show in all my awesomeness.”

TROY: Don’t forget Douchebag Moment #58 when he pulled a Guarini and told the judges something to the effect of, “It wasn’t that bad! I’ll have to go home and play back the tape!” Why are people voting for this man?

TRACY: Whatever. So bitter.

DUET #2: Allision and Adam were absolutely perfect together with “Slow Ride,” proving once again that Allison was so robbed. I can’t even talk about it anymore, or I might just turn green and burst through my clothing. Hulk sad.

TROY: I thought it was a weird duet choice (Allison said Adam “Play that Funky Music White Boy” Lambert picked it. Go figure.), but thought they both sounded flawless. If the producers can promise that these two will duet on tour this summer, I’m so there.

TRACY: I can’t let this recap end without discussing Gwen Stefani’s “performance” on the results show. OMG, did Gwen actually have a Jack Palance moment and do PUSH-UPS while singing “I’m Just a Girl”? [Who Sucks.] Wow, four push-ups. Holy feminist icon, Troy. Gloria Steinem should just retire.

TROY: Oh please. Would you rather she bake cookies for the boys while performing? Perform Destiny Child’s “Cater 2 U?” It was a call-out to REAL No Doubt fans who watched her do a similar routine back in the Tragic Kingdom days (where she did back-flips and way more than 10 push-ups). Don’t hate.

TRACY: It was a call-out to people who have the misfortune of being tone-deaf and easily impressed.

And where were her pet racist caricatures harajuku dancers? It’s a sad day when you can’t even make your own song sound like your own song. No wonder the judges were nowhere to be seen—Fox obviously didn’t want to have to show Simon hurling during that performance.

TROY: She’s back with the boys – no more Harajuku. And it was pre-taped!

TRACY: I can’t believe you like this mess enough to pay to hear her sing live. Since she doesn’t do backflips on stage anymore, I can’t imagine why that would be even remotely enjoyable. Hot mess of the night, y’all!

TROY: The woman was running around the stage like a maniac with the energy of a teenager and she’s forty! Give her a break!

TRACY: Dude, I'm 38--do I look like I should be in a home or something? I'm not impressed.

TROY: Your irrational hate of Gwen is blinding you from realizing the real hot mess of the night (hot mess of the WEEK was DFG by a landslide): PAULA ABDUL.

Gwen’s vocals have never been strong, but she at least sang LIVE, unlike a certain reality TV judge who makes a living on critiquing the singing of others.

TRACY: Ooooh. Oh, yeah, that was very, very sad. I was literally cringing on the couch in embarrassment for her. She's a better dancer than Gwen, though.

TROY: The dancing was great, but Paula couldn’t have even sang to her backing track? FRAUD!

According to the song, she’s just here for the music people (and, uh, the endless supply of oxycontin).

TRACY: Well, it oughta be fun watching Kris get sabotaged again next week. Here’s hoping the girlie-girl vote (and, um, mine) ...

TROY: (I’m in, too…)

TRACY: ... can keep him afloat into the finale with Adam (who had BETTER be a lock), because watching Smarmy Gokey for half of the two-hour show is probably going to make me punch my TV. And it’s new, so I really don’t want to hurt it.

Save Kris! (And Adam, of course.)

TROY: Right your past wrongs and make way to a better future. Vote Kradam for the finale.

We beg you.

American Idol Recap: Top 5!

Troy's computer imploded, so we are behind. This week, we'll have a three-fer!
TRACY: Well, it was Rat Pack night, and our top five decided to make it All Ballads, All the Time night on top of it. You know, I would be so off my head with joy if Cecile Frot-Coutaz decided to make one of the last four themes "Oh, HELL No, You Can’t Pick a Ballad" night. Just once. Seriously.

Anyway, how terrific that a wholesome show like American Idol would choose Jamie Foxx and His Ginormous Ego to be this week’s mentor? I guess Tony Bennett, Harry Connick Jr., and Michael Buble all had to wash their hair Tuesday night.

TROY: Buble would have been ah-may-zing (since they've already had Tony Bennett mentor). You know Idol was totally worried he'd show up hammered again.


TRACY: I begrudgingly admit that Jamie F. did a nice job with the finalists and was pretty darn entertaining when he got all up in Danny Freaking Gokey’s (DFG) face. And yes, vocoder aside, the dude is SO talented. (I really did love him in Ray.) But after that whole Miley Cyrus debacle, he’s kinda dead to me now. And you KNOW you did something supremely un-classy when Troy and I are siding with a Disney-bot over you.

TROY: At least JF (and HGE) was coherent and gave good advice/feedback to the contestants, but I'm still scratching my head over his inclusion THIS week. "Blame on the A-A-A-A-A-Alcohol" doesn't seem like something that Old Blue Eyes would have sang. I do think Jamie thinks he's actually Ray Charles sometimes (see: "Gold Digger").

TRACY: I thought KRIS ALLEN didn’t quite get the credit he deserved for a lovely, totally on pitch, clear-as-a-bell performance of “The Way You Look Tonight.” Of the remaining five, he’s the only one I could actually buy as a crooner.

And it looks like Simon became this week’s Delphic Oracle, with his cryptically bizarre comment about Kris’s performance being “a little bit wet,” which he later helpfully clarified as being “not dry.” So, a dry performance is synonymous with a boring one, does that mean that he was giving Kris a compliment?

Do I care? No, I do not.

TROY: I actually really enjoyed Kris' performance. It wasn't "jump-out-of-your-seat" great, but it was on-pitch and, at times, slightly ear delicious (thanks Sedaka!). Sadly, I don't really have anything to snark about, but I do think the judges have it out for him. Enough with the DFG pandering and over-praising! UGH.

TRACY: Still love ALLISON IRAHETA. Still not loving her performances of late. Her “Someone to Watch Over Me” was a’ight, but I think if she’d been the only contestant to sing an up-tempo number, she REALLY would have stood out. Or, seriously, Idol vocal coaches, you couldn’t have figured out where Peggy Lee and the Rat Pack overlapped and steered Allison in that direction? “Black Coffee?” “The Boy from Ipanema?” Unfortunately, it was a snooze-fest worthy of a new Lunesta Fairy crown. I hold out high hopes, however, that she will pass said crown on to Danny Gokey next Tuesday as she sinks her newly 17-year-old teeth into Rock Week.

TROY: I respect your opinion, but WHAT DID YOU ALL THINK?

Ahem ... I mean ... I actually lurved Allison's performance this week, especially after the sucktastic of the last two weeks (seriously ... that "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" debacle pains me, given my Iraheta love). I appreciated that she finally did something low-key and a little vulnerable.

Granted, I don't want Allison to take up where Lil left off (nap break!), but I liked that she mixed it up this week. It's versatility!

TRACY: Right. Oh, and how much did you love Jamie Foxx telling Allison that she was so “innocent” and obviously “too young to have ever been in love." But apparently in Jamie Foxx-land, she is, by two years, not too old to shoot heroin or make a sex tape.

TROY: Have to remember that this man also made the artistic, indie film "Booty Call."

TRACY: :::snort:::

As bitter as I am to see the talented MATT GIRAUD get the boot before DFG, I wasn’t smoking whatever Simon had that led him to declare Matt’s “My Funny Valentine” to be “brilliant.” I thought it was nice, but his pitch was more erratic than the size of my butt, and that falsetto at the end was totally weoird and unnecessary. Once again, I think he would have been AMAZING and a total stand-out if he’d chosen a faster number in that sea of balladry.

However, flaws and all, it was still a really nice performance, and he totally deserved to stay another week instead of Ringy McRinger.

TROY: Yo Yo YO, Matt ... Listen.... You know I'm a fan of yours, dawg. But for me, tonight, FOR ME, it was just a'ight. Some notes were just ... you know. You still did your thang, but I wasn't feelin it like usual, but props for your mad skills and pipes.

Still miles better than you know who.....

TRACY: Oh, gee ... who were you imitating? Give me a minute....

Speaking of DANNY FREAKING GOKEY, I have no idea why the judges and apparently the general public were so in love with his version of “Come Rain or Come Shine.” It started off as yet another mediocre raspy ballad, and then the spirit of Sylvia Plath recalling her electro-shock treatments seemed to invade him, and he went all spaz-o-matic. I swear, by the time he’d finished, that poor boy looked and sounded like he had a hairball.

TROY: I despise DFG and his stupid, smug smile. I have no more words....

TRACY: My oldest daughter Maggie has apparently jumped on the Danny Sucks bandwagon with you, Marin, and me, because while he was singing, she turned to me and pronounced, “Mommy, Danny Gokey needs to be in the bottom three, and then he needs to go home.”

His performance wasn’t helped along any by the appearance of Taylor Hicks on the results show, whose voice I’ve realized bears more than a passing resemblance to DFG’s. I was actually a bit embarrassed for the Gokinator, because though their voices are similar, Taylor just SCHOOLED him.

TROY: Taylor Hicks just SCHOOLED someone? Hell has frozen over, people.

TRACY: Yes, that’s right. I just complimented Taylor Hicks. Even though I was a big fan of Mr. Sweet Home Alabama during the beginning of his Idol run, he lost me somewhere around the Great “Play That Funky Music” massacre of Season 5, and the subsequent “Jailhouse Rock” debacle. But to my everlasting shock, he won me over again with “Seven Mile Breakdown.” Here’s how it went down:

So I hit the pause button on our Tivo after Taylor’s performance, and my husband and I just sat there slack-jawed and dumbstruck for a few moments. Then Jose was all, “Did we actually just like a Taylor Hicks song?” And I was all, “Is that really the guy who unleashed ‘Do I Make You Proud?’ on the world?” And he was all, “I KNOW!” And I was all, “’Member how we really liked him early on in Season XX? ‘Member?” And he was all, “I can’t believe that was actually kinda good. I might not even change the station if it came on the radio.” And I was all, “I KNOW!”

Apparently, getting dropped by 19 Entertainment has worked wonders on the neo-soul-man’s career. He finally got that bluegrassy, southern-rock swamp thing quality that I loved from his original audition back in his voice, and I thought he was just fab.

So SUCK IT, Danny Gokey. That’s how you really bring it when your voice is a Michael-McDonald-esque rasp.

...

Troy apparently fell asleep during my couch recap. Oh, well. Moving on....

ADAM LAMBERT was fab, as always, although I’m still desperately seeking another Wow! moment like “Mad World.” And I kinda wish he would put his tongue back in his mouth when he hits the high notes—he always looks like he’s trying to blow onion breath in the cameraperson’s face or something.

It was definitely Broadway, but I don t think that’s a bad thing—obviously Adam would be happy as a mascara-ed little clam to be cast in “Wicked” or a “Phantom” revival, etc.

TROY: I think he actually has been in Wicked....not sure what as though....

TRACY: Huh? Who knew? Oh, and I think calling Adam “sleazy” was rude and annoying, but what can one expect from Kreepy Kara? Pot, let me introduce you to sleazy kettle, who also happens to be a shrill, harpy-like kettle that I think should be booted off the show before my head explodes.

TROY: I actually HATED Adam's performance this week.

TRACY: ::::incredulous, google-eyed stare::::

TROY: I know!

"Feelin' Good" is one of my favorite songs of all time and I just hated the dramatics, the screaming, the tongue. I'm normally fine with Adam's over-the-top theatric style, but I just didn't think it fit for this week.

AWESOME entrance though...

TRACY: It was.

Wow factor or not, given his amazing chops, I would have been wicked, wicked (Heh.) devastated to see his foray into the bottom two turn into a fifth-place finish, but since it did not, I now see it as a bit of a blessing. If the producers didn’t rig that whole thing, then it was probably the wake-up call the Glambert fans needed to keep on dialing for my personal favorite. I cannot WAIT to see what he’s going to pull for Rock Week—please, God, don’t let him be Chill Ballad Adam next Tuesday

I’m thinking a tribute to my first love, Joe Elliott, or some Axl. Perhaps some Doors, if Rock Week isn’t confined to hair bands. Or maybe even some Janis turned on its head--THAT would be fun!

I’m also thinking that DFG is seriously toast. (At least, I’ll be doing a DFG is Toast Dance next Tuesday, appealing to the heavens to get him the heck off my TV set. Let me know if you want me to send you the steps.)

But what in the world is Slash going to do as a guest mentor, other than slouch in a corner with a cigarette hanging off his lip and grunt encouragingly? I don’t think I’ve ever heard that man speak, and I came of age during Guns-N-Roses’ peak.

Anyhoo, my top picks were: Kris and Adam

TROY: My picks are: Kris and Allison!

TRACY: Bottom pick: DFG, DFG’s enormous ego, DFG’s smarmy smile.

TROY: Preach.